The Fail Adventures of Camping
by PunkiiRose
Summary: "Why did it have to be me of all people to get lost in the forest with a couple of mentally unstable bastards? I know you hear me God! Get your ass down here and part the damn trees!" Follow the Fail that is Bella Swan through a tale of laughs and love.
1. Holy Cheese, I'm Going Camping!

**Author's Note: Well hello there, again! So, this will be my first non-one-shot fic so I really want to make it a good one. Budding fictionists such as myself need to step out of the box once in a while and this is exactly what I plan to do, alrighty? Okaii :) So! Without further ado. . . **

**Rated M for a reason! Lemons galore. . . in later chapters.**

**(=*-*=) **

_This _was pain_._ It felt as if I were being pummeled wave after wave with a deafening siren of of some sort. I wanted to move my lips, to tell them to communicate what fleeting thought I was having out loud! But I could barely so much as blink. As the ringing in my ears became louder, my ability to move went out the window. I was going to die.

"Alice, will you shut the hell up already, you damn banshee!"

Dear God, it stopped!

My lungs released a breath I didn't know I was holding in and my forehead made impact with the solid desk I was sitting in. It didn't hurt in the least.

"Look what you did to poor Bella," Rose admonished, rubbing my back with rough strokes. This was more likely than not how she pet animals.

"Whoopsies. Sorry, Bells," Alice chirped, still bouncing up and down next to me. "I'm excited now, though! Can you blame me?"

"Yes," I croaked. "I can. And when I can once again hear out of my left ear I will give you a few reasons why."

"Maybe it would have been a better idea to tell her after class, hmm, Bells?"

"It was your idea to tell her now, Rose. I was just following you. I shouldn't have been the victim in this!" I lifted my head from the desk and rubbed my temples. I had one hell of a migraine.

"Oh, you guys know how much I've been dying to go," Alice began, clasping her hands in front of her and looking to the ceiling with glassy gray eyes. "All six of us out in the fresh mountain air. . . " I did what was probably best for my sake and hers-I tuned the bitch out.

It was at that exact moment that the boys Alice had aforementioned decided to stroll in. From what I could see out of the corner of my eye, my jaw was not the only one to have dropped a bit.

I eyed Mason like my life depended on it. It seemed to go against some rule of nature somewhere for any one man to look so damn edible. He was gorgeous, his body was gorgeous, and the fantasy that I'd just had where we fucked bare-back on top of Banner's desk was gorgeous, too. He made my eyes water.

I drunk him in from head to toe as he weaved his way through desks to get to us, the lean build of his body twisting this way and that, granting me view of muscles, abs, and ass. Beautiful. The way he gripped some of the desks on his way over made the tendons in his hands and arms pop out, too; I drooled, but just a tad. My eyes wandered to his crotch and I was instantly glued. Mason was fully packing! It looked like there was a whole German sausage stuffed in his Levi's! _No. No German Sausage in there. That's all American, sweetheart._

I licked my now dry lips and lifted my gaze to my favorite part of him: his face. All perfection. That wide, sharp jaw, the long, straight nose, those soft, almost pillow-like lips, and finally, _finally,_ that perfect head of coppery-bronze hair that complimented those melting grassy-green eyes of his.

_And cue the flood gates._

"_. . . _gathered around a fire singing 'Kumbaya'!"

"Alice! Shut the hell up, woman!" Emmett boomed.

I snapped my mouth shut and turned my head toward the windows, deftly wiping away the saliva that had accumulated in the corner of my mouth.

Jasper ran up behind Emmett and popped him in the back of the head before running past Alice, placing a kiss on her cheek and grabbing the seat behind her. "Watch yer damn mouth when addressing the little lady, McCarty," Jasper drawled. At one point, like when I first met him, I thought he faked the accent. Now that shit was just adorable to me.

I saw Emmett's face turn red for a whole second before he barked out a laugh that rivaled a pirate's. "Damn you're whipped, Whitlock!"

"You come in here laughing and shit and you don't even acknowledge me?" Yeah, that came out as a snarl.

"Oh, shit." Emmett then scooped Rose out of her seat into his arms, showering her face with wet sloppy kisses. That's just wrong in a learning environment. "I'm sorry, Rosey Butt! Never again!"

Alice and Jasper were tittering their asses off, and, admittably, I through a quick laugh in myself. Rose the Bear Tamer.

"Shut the hell up! It takes a real man to show that kind of affection," he said, and flexed his biceps for all to see. I was sick of looking at them.

"Anyway, what the hell was Alice going on about when we came in?"

Holy Cheese, I forgot about that. . .

Alice bounced and giggled and bounced some more. We needed to cut her happy ass off of caffeine.

"Guess what!" she chirped.

"What?" I almost soaked my fucking pants. I didn't even see Edward sit himself behind me, and now, his warm, intoxicating breath was swirling in my ear. When the hell did he get so close?

"We're going camping!" she burst, throwing her arm around Jasper's neck and putting him in a headlock. From the way he was turning red I could only guess that the little pixie was packing strength.

"Hell yeah!" Emmett cheered.

"Yay. . . " Poor Jasper was choking now.

Where the hell was Banner? Wasn't he supposed to be teaching right now? What the hell kind of class was this!

"I'm game," said the beautiful voice behind me. Great.

I groaned and let my head hit the desk. That shit hurt this time, dammit.

I hated camping trips. Especially with these bastards. Alice and Rose thought it would be a "kick ass idea" to go camping for Winter Recess. In what universe did I look like I wanted to camp—in the winter might I add!—on the one week that I had to myself. But, alas, when Rose reminded me that Edward was attending my decision did a complete 180. I would go on a rampage ball-chopping if only to spend a night with that man.

"Aww, what's wrong, Swan? Afraid of the Olympian Yeti?" Mason teased.

Oh no that mother. . .

I sat straight up in my seat and looked that sexy bastard dead in the eye. "Nope. I'm game if you are. In fact. . . "

Alright, Swan. Shut your damn mouth now!

". . . how about we share a tent, Mason? You and me. Unless the idea of sleeping with a women makes your dick soft?"

From my peripheral I saw Rose and Alice's eyes widen a bit.

No. No! No, no, no, no!

His eyes hardened and a wicked smile graced his lips.

"Bet," he muttered.

"Bet," I breathed.

We shook on it, and just that platonic contact made my panties moist.

Holy Cheese, Swan. What he fuck did you just get yourself into?

**Author's Note: Okay! What do you think? Reviews, please? Anyone? Please contain yourselves flamers :/**


	2. Fucking Birds

**Rated M for a reason! Little Children should avert their eyes!**

**(=^-^=)**

Turns out Banner had no intention of teaching us that day. When Tyler came from the bathroom he claimed to have heard Banner fucking Jessica in one of the stalls. Poor kid looked shaken.

Besides that, we were scheduled to set out for the wilderness at dawn. We'd come to a mutual decision to set up camp near the Hoh River for obvious reasons but to begin the trek at the Olympic National Park. If we didn't make it out at least there would be people who knew we'd gone AWOL. Alice and Rose got to Charlie before I could, telling him about the camping trip and how we needed a trip to Seattle for supplies. I don't know what I expected from my dad but it wasn't his damn blasé attitude about the weather. I could catch a serious fucking cold, or at least jungle fever or some shit.

The trip to Seattle was successful enough. We stocked up on hiking gear and provisions to last us for months though it was only a five day trip. Edward tagged along on that particular outing and he was watching me like a fucking hawk.

That night while I was packing my things I really thought about my situation and what the hell I'd gotten myself into. I was Mason's permanent tent buddy without a doubt. I couldn't have switched if I'd wanted to because everyone decided to pair up in couples, stupid love-sick bastards.

_It's your fault, Swan. Learn when to shut your damn mouth and we wouldn't be so anxious._

I was right. I only challenged Mason on impulse and now I seriously regretted it.

_What if he wants to go all the way with me!_

That old woman's voice in the back of my head who sounded like a chain smoker threw a coughing fit as she laughed her ass off.

_Sweetheart, you'll be lucky if he decides to sleep 3 feet within your ass!_

"Shut the fuck up!"

"What was that, Bells?" Charlie hollered up.

"Nothing, dad!" Jesus fuck, I was losing it! Talking to yourself out loud has never been a good sign.

I threw a bottle of lotion in the bag as the final item, turned the lights off and curled myself into a tight little ball under the covers. I was going to miss this bed so much for 5 whole days.

I dozed off thinking about Mason and sleeping in such a small vicinity with him. It was going to be one long fucking vacation.

"Sleeping bags?"

"Check."

"Tents?"

"Check."

"Bug repellant?"

"Check."

4 o' clock in the goddamn morning doing inventory checks. There was no sun up and the sky was painted a deep blue violet. I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned against Mason's Volvo door as I watched Alice and Rose pick things up and set them aside again. It was incredibly dark but I was adjusting. We were all here and accounted for in Alice's driveway. Mrs. and Mr. Brandon had made us a breakfast to die for and packed us each homemade sandwiches, telling us to be careful and stick to the trails. I think we all noticed how Alice's dad eyeballed Jasper like a disease and Jasper's discomfort as a result. He looked like he had to take a shit.

Mason stood right beside me, watching what I was watching and laughing a few times at some of the things called out.

"Toaster?"

"Check."

"Hot iron?"

"Check."

Mind you, there is no electricity in the great outdoors, so why they were bringing things that needed electrical outlets I had no idea. And why they suddenly decided to get a toaster I also did not know.

But I did know that Edward looked fuck-hot this morning. He came looking like a damn underwear model. With clothes on!

Never mind him and all his fuck-hotness, but I realized we had a lot of shit to carry around with us. There was a total of 14 bags. _14_. Four of them were Alice's, three belonged to Rose and Emmett each, two for Jasper, and Edward and I had our single luggage.

And that didn't include the two provision bags. Most of it was food and the standard hiking shit, and the rest was the electrical items.

Dumb motherfuckers, I swear to God.

Emmett was in the trunk of his precious jeep finding some way to get all of the luggage to fit, Jasper acting as support for when something needed to be lifted or moved.

It wouldn't be much longer until dawn broke.

I pulled my comforter down from the hood of the Volvo, spread it out on the floor and sat with my legs crossed, my face in my hands.

Only five days, I promised myself. Five days and we can celebrate Christmas in the safety of our warm, cozy home. No trees, or sticks, or grass. I contemplated whether or not I should say a prayer. I didn't know where this sudden need to pray came from but I ignored it for the most part.

We are safe, we will make it. We are safe, we will make it. I was going to need this mantra to survive.

"Why are you rocking?" Edward snickered.

My head snapped up and my cheeks stained red seeing his shoulders bounce with barely contained laughter.

"Because nosy fuckers like you don't know when to not ask questions, that's why."

"Feisty this morning," he said dropping to the floor, sitting cross legged. "Are you PMS'ing?"

"There goes those questions again, and no, I'm not. And I bet if I was you'd draw some sick pleasure from it."

"Don't flatter yourself. Scared?"

"No," I snapped.

"You look scared."

"Your point?"

He shrugged. "I thought maybe I could comfort you."

My face softened a bit and I was kind of sorry for being a bitch now.

"Oh."

"Yeah. You don't have to worry." The corner of his mouth began to curl up in a shit eating grin. "I hear the Olympic Yeti only kills beautiful woman."

I froze.

Did that motherfucker just. . . ?

_Oh no the fuck he did not!_

I rose to my feet without a word, and he did too, grin still in place.

I got a really good look at his face for a minute because chances were, it wouldn't look that way 30 seconds from now.

I pulled my arm back and snapped it forward as my fist connected with his dick. If there was ever a thing called picture perfect I would have to describe it as this moment right now. Mason's eyes bulged out of his head and his lips pulled into an almost non-existent line as his face turned tomato red.

"Bella," he wheezed and dropped to his knees on the ground, cupping his crotch.

Oh yeah, biatch. Say my name.

"He knew better than to pull out a joke like that," Alice tisked, shaking her head with her palm up towards Rosalie.

"Dumb fucking bastard." Rose was shit talking under her breath as she fished a 20 out of her purse and set in Alice's hand. "I should punch him in the nuts next!"

Alice laughed and wagged her finger. "Don't ever bet against me, doll."

"Hey!" Emmett boomed. "Stop horse-fucking around over there and get your asses in the car! We got land to cover! Let's move, pussies! Move!"

"Shut the fuck up already! We're coming!"

I didn't have to tell Em how retarded he looked with that damn get up of his. He was wearing a camo tank and khaki set with dark round shades on his face and big ass military boots for shoes. As if that weren't enough he went to the trouble of purchasing a whistle and dog tags to go around his neck and drew a thin curly mustache above his lip. Dumb. Fuck.

I pushed Mason's bent over form off my comforter and folded it over my arm. I leaned over next to him and whispered in his ear that I was looking forward to being his tent buddy. He whimpered and turned his face like a bitch.

I climbed into Em's Jeep laughing and rolled my window down.

Jasper helped Edward to his feet and helped him into the passenger seat of the Volvo. Alice rode with Jasper and Edward in the Volvo, and I with Rose and Emmett.

A single black crow came swooping down from the sky and landed on a thin branch of a redwood tree. His eyes blazed with a reddish color as he glared at me and craned his neck. I cringed away from the window and glued my eyes to the windshield as Emmett pulled out of the driveway, Jasper following.

"SO LONG CIVILIZATION!" I never wanted to hit Emmett so bad. "I GOT A DATE WITH NATURE! HAHAHAHA!" And with that we sped down the street lamp lit street onto the highway.

Just before we turned into the fast lane, the crow from before came into my peripheral and he'd brought friends.

What happened next made me close my eyes and engage in a short, quiet prayer.

A flock of about eight birds merged over head and flew in a straight line circling one another over the jeep, making themselves stand out even more against the bluish pink light of the sky and the deep orange of the rising sun. Jesus fuck. I feared for my life.

"Please don't fuck around with this trip, God."


	3. Fuck My Life

**Author's Note: Okaii! So for those of you who are still with me, we're getting down to the core of the story (: Fun times to be had. I was just a tad to lazy to do extensive research on the Olympic Park so somethings are made up and others are not. This chapter isn't supposed to be humorous; it's navigating through shit and stuff, long and lengthy. (I threw in a little humor for you bastards anyway ;) **

(*-*)~(*-*)

It was roughly 139 miles, about a three hour long trip, from Forks to Hoodsport, where we thought the trek should begin. But, seeing as how Emmett and Alice were the designated drivers in this operation, we took to the highway at 80 miles an hour, getting to our destination in a little more than an hour and a half. Speed demons are dangerous predators.

A flat roofed building stood roped off indicating a store, gift shop and information booth inside. We bought even more water—which makes a total of 17 water bottles—and picked up a map of the park. It was a truly massive space.

Another inventory check and an upbeat moral seminar from Alice later and we were standing at the checkpoint, intimidated by the sheer size of the mass of trees.

I swallowed a bit of non-existent saliva that had pooled under my tongue as I looked to the floor of the woods. This would be the death of me. Tree roots, about the size of my entire leg, weaved under and over the moist soil, reaching out to a tree nearby, extending as far as about a mile back according to the pamphlet.

The Jeep and Volvo would be of no use if we brought them out here. Nothing but nourishment for the damn plants. It was, very literally, impossible to carry everything with us. I was _finally_ able to talk some sense into the idiots, telling them that bringing anything that heated on it's own would not only be useless but be used by me to beat the shit out of them with. That knocked down 5 bags.

We waded on the outskirts of the forest an hour longer than planned, debating what should be kept and what should be left. And I decided that they were all dumb as the fucking rocks that they carried.

Jasper dropped his bag at his feet and rummaged through it, pulling out a roll of what looked like aluminum bags.

"They're freezer bags." He handed one to each of us. "They should keep any and all food cold or hot depending what it is. Stick some food in 'em and stuff 'em in your sacks. Make sure it's completely stuffed."

Eww. He used hot, stuffed and sacks all in back to back sentences.

We opened the provision bags and threw everything we could take inside our baggy thingies, me being especially fond of the Twinkies and coffee cakes.

"Whatever is left stays with the cars. If there's anything y'all really want I suggest you make that bitch fit," he laughed. The drawl was getting sexier by the day.

7 bags and 6 people, which was a lot better than before. With luck we could just make one of the boys carry the extra bag, but, alas, the seventh bag was full of Alice's makeup.

"No! I've already sacrificed outfits out the ass! No, no, no! One more bag will not kill us."

"Then _you_ will carry it," I leered."You will lug around that 5 pound bag and when you get tired, we will _not_ help you with it. Do you understand me, Mary Alice Brandon? No help!"

Her eyes took on a doe-like quality, becoming impossibly wide and innocent, and her lower lip poked out, quivering. I stood my ground.

"No."

And just like that the innocence was gone. "FINE!" she exploded. "I'll leave the damn bag and when you wake up tomorrow morning with scratches and paleness all over your face, Isabella Marie, don't you dare come crying to me." As if.

Rose sighed impatiently, twirling a blonde strand of hair around her manicured finger and leaning against Emmett, who was feeling up her ass. Ew.

"Can we get going now?"

Edward detached a shiny Swiss army knife from his key chain and stuffed it into his backpack. I spotted a big ass machete in there too. Like the kind of sword fucking Jason would have.

"Fuck, Mason, who are you trying to kill?"

He rolled his eyes and looked to the forest. "There are some big ass trees in there. Where there are big ass trees, there are big ass leaves. Have to hack through them sometime, no?"

Huh. Never thought about the leaves. "I like the way you think, Mason."

He threw me a that shit-eating grin of his again and craned is neck a bit. "I think you should hold my hand while we're in there. You could get lost, you know."

Oh, how he tempted me so. "I'll pass. Wouldn't want the Yeti to mistake you for a manly woman and take me as desert after you."

He laughed. "I told you, silly Bella. He only eats beautiful women."

I grimaced and balled my fists. Reflexively he covered his balls and scrambled towards Jasper, who was looking rather constipated at the moment.

Emmett studied the map—and Rosalie—for a minute and then looked at his watch. "Alright, so it's 6 now and we have roughly. . . " he stopped to click his tongue against his teeth a few times, "15 miles."

_What!_

"What!"

He continued as if he hadn't heard me. "We should get there by mid afternoon if we go without breaks."

"Fuck that!"

Now he heard me. "Belly? What's wrong?" he asked, his arms spread wide as he pulled me into a hug.

It touched my heart when Em got affectionate. Did shit to me.

And it made Edward uncomfortable. I saw the way he shifted and moved his eyes beyond us but kept us in his periphery. I grinned.

"That's a lot of fucking walking, Em. Carry me halfway?"

"Anything for you, Jelly Belly. Just let me know when you get tired. Wouldn't want you snapping your neck 'cause you were too lazy to pick up your feet."

I smiled and pushed at his chest. He didn't budge.

Rose and Edward both cleared their throats at the same time and looked at us exasperatedly.

"Halfway," he promised.

I walked past Mason with a smile on my face as I picked up my bag and threw it on my back.

"You could have asked me, you know," he muttered.

I put on my best clueless face on. "What are you talking about, Edward?"

"You know what I'm talking about."

"Obviously I don't or I wouldn't be asking you."

"Oh, cut the shit, Swan. You lie as good as that faggot ass puppet in the stories."

"How about you just fucking clarify yourself, ass-twat."

"I could carry you through the forest."

"I didn't ask you to."

"You didn't have to. I volunteered."

"Well I don't want you to." _Lies._

"Suit yourself," he mumbled.

As he walked away from me I got a good look at that tight ass of his, all firm muscle and round lusciousness. Aaaaand I made myself horny.

"Son of a motherfucker," I muttered uncapping a bottle of water.

I looked around taking a swig and noticed that Jasper and Alice were no longer present. And then I heard rustling behind a mossy tree just to my right. I shushed the other three and listened a little more carefully.

"Ungh. Hurry up Jasper! Just fucking fuck me already!"

"Ooohhhhh shit, darlin', I'm going as fast as I can."

Emmett shook his head and muttered something about fucking like amateurs under his breath. "YO! STOP FUCKING AND GET YOUR CANDY ASSES OUT HERE! WE GOTTA BE AT THE HOH IN 6 HOURS! MOVE, PUSSIES, MOVE!"

..::*(/.n)*::..

Holy fuck at a Christmas parade, I was tired. An entire 3 whole hours of nothing but walking and nature sighting. I had a pair of binoculars hanging around my neck as an accessory, I wasn't planning on using the shit. Em told Mason to stay behind me at all times so it wasn't possible to be left behind. We were in pairs, the buddy system.

16 miles from Hoodsport to the park checkpoint. What we had just taken was a fucking nature walk compared to what it would take to get to the Hoh rainforest. My legs ached and protested beneath me as we shifted into the rest top at Chapel Peak. Besides the pain of the trip it was actually pretty fun. Everyone, including myself and Mason, dropped their guards to just enjoy everything. Nature and each other.

We were behind schedule. It was now 2 in the afternoon and we had a long way to go. Kim, the receptionist at Chapel Peak, suggested we stay the night but, Em being Em, refused to stay another second more than need be and after everyone got the maximum amount of rest one could obtain in half an hour. We were off again.

Rose began sighing rather loudly as we neared Sundown Lake, a lot. Like every ten fucking seconds.

"Emmett, babe?"

"Yes, Ro?" Emmett's face was either always in the map, on his watch, or on Rose's ass.

"We can stop just up ahead, you know. We have five days of camping. Being behind by a day won't kill us. Not to mention you want to get around glacial spots when it's already 5. Don't be an idiot."

God, I loved Rosalie.

"No! We can make it! I know a shortcut around all of that shit and it would take us about an hour to get there."

Whoa. I don't like this at all. No shortcuts.

"No, no shortcuts," I spoke up, my voice hesitant and breathy all at once.

"Bella and Rose are right. No shortcuts." Oh, how I wanted to sit on his face at that moment, Edward and his cocky asshole-ishness.

"Look, I'm navigator and I want to be where we need to go, now. Just shut the hell up and walk, you pigmy faced son a bitch!" Someone was grumpy. "Always taking up Bells' side to get in her fucking jeans," he muttered.

I took off my shot and lodged that bitch right in the back of his big ass head. "Shut the fuck up and get us there, Spermett Crab! We'll take the fucking shortcut, alright!"

He grinned and lifted me onto his shoulder to put my shoe on for me. "Yes, ma'am!"

I licked my finger and smudged that fake ass mustache off his face. "Just get us there, dude."

-,'''',-

,,::*(/.n)*::,,

How many fucking left turns did we just make? And where the fuck are we? This path isn't marked on the damn map.

"Em, where the hell are we?"

He looked over his shoulder, anxiously might I add, and back down to his map again.

"Ummm.. . "

"'Umm'! What the Moscow fuck do you mean, 'Umm'! Where the fuck are we?"

He stopped walking and everyone else followed suit. We stood in the jungle brush for about three minutes in silence until my eyes almost burst out of my fucking head.

"YOU FUCKING ASS-TWAT! WHERE IN THE NAME OF JUNGLE FUCK ARE WE, EMMETT!"

"I. . . I-uhm. . . sort of took a few wrong turns a couple of miles back." He gave a nervous laugh and pointed at Alice. "She said that the left path would get us around glaciers and lakes faster! Just don't hurt me, Belly!"

Alice's spiky head snapped back and forth between me and Em before she threw her hands up and shook her head. "Don't look at me! Jasper said two rights and a left would get us around two different lakes!"

Jasper really looked like he had to take a shit. "No way, Darlin'! Rose over there said to go adjacent to the marked path and around."

Rose was in rage. "Fuck that! Edward said it first!"

I wanted to pull my hair out of my fucking head.

"Look, clearly you motherfuckers have been talking in circles and giving the wrong directions! I only said that it would be _wise _to go around the river trail."

And just like that an argument broke loose. The sun had set behind the clouds leaving only a minimal amount of light in the sky. And we were not going to make it. We didn't set up camp. We didn't eat in fucking forever, and poor Jasper had to take a mighty DuPont . And we were lost. . .

We were fucking lost. . .

I shook my head, needing a second to think but coming up empty from everyone shouting at each other.

_We were lost. . ._

"No."

I kept shaking my head, just wanting to clear my thoughts.

_We were lost. . . _

"No!"

It was the only thing that came to mind.

_We were fucking lost. . . with a couple of idiots._

"NO!"

I spun on my heels and climbed up the steep hill covered in moss and littered with rocks that was just off to my right. They didn't even notice. I tripped and stumbled, racing to get to the top. Racing to meet the last ray of sunlight. I broke through massive bodies of trees and smacked leaves bigger than my face out of my way. I saw it. I saw the break through to the top of the hill. I ran faster, willing my feet to go a little higher, a little faster with each step. . .

And I was there, watching the sun disappear behind an ass load of trees. We wouldn't make it out of the damn forest tonight. We would have to stop here, in the middle of fucking no where.

I lifted my head to the sky and watched a black crow circle me overhead.

And I laughed. I was having fucking hysterics, wiping tears from my eyes and clutching at my chest for air because I'd realized it. I finally realized it all. _He _fucked with the trip!

"Why did it have to be me of all people to get lost in the forest with a couple of mentally unstable bastards? I know you hear me God! Get your ass down here and part the damn trees!"

I looked to the sky again, awaiting some form of his arrival when a white chunk of bird shit landed on my shoe.

FUCK MY LIFE!

**Author's Note: Damn that was lengthy. Sorry if that bore you but it was necessary to get to this point in the story. A lot of fucked up romance and bullshit funnies to come ;) next chapter introduces Assward :D Please don't hesitate to leave a review. **


	4. Thank You, Fucking Not God!

**Author's Note: Something that you bastards might not know: reviews make me feel sappy as shit. I love and enjoy and appreciate each and every goddamn one. I like the positive response this story is getting, means I'm doing something right, no? Anyhoo. . . This song was fully inspired by "Wake up" by Framing Hanley. On with the show!**

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**(*~*)-(*~*)**

_What the fuck was that?_

It sounded like a growl of some sort. It wasn't my stomach because that sounded more like a wounded tiger, and it didn't come from anywhere in either direction of me either. I looked up and saw that the black crow was gone but the sun was as well. I could still hear the idiots down the mountain arguing, more quietly, but still going at it.

And another growl.

"What the fuck _is_ that?"

"**Yo! Swan! Up here!"**

I raised my head to the sky again and cringed at the sheer impossibility of the situation. A woman with thick dirty blonde hair with frickin' multicolored highlights was staring at me, or better yet at my ass.

"**Eh. Mines is better."**

"Who the fuck are you? Are you God, because I have an ass to rape with you!"

The woman with strange hair laughed and put a cigarette between her lips, which lit automatically, and took a long drag, breathing it out into the trees. Those motherfuckers made a whistling noise like that shit was wind and the whole forest smelt like weed.

Cool.

"**No, bitch, I'm not God, but something like that. Now I need to ask a favor— "**

"Why the hell are you so big? Your tits must be like 120 triple-fucking-Z—"

"**Can you shut the fuck up and let me speak now. Shit. Anyhoo, I have a favor to ask, Swan. A preposition if you will; in exchange for your escape from the park."**

I was almost about to accept without knowing the reciprocal of the bargain. Charlie didn't raise no fool.

"What are your demands?"

She smiled and took another drag at her cancer stick. I coughed.

"**Well, I think I should give you fair warning that by the end of this adventure of yours, this hard ass shell you got goin' on will wear down by the time you get out of here.**

I cocked an eyebrow at that.

"**You don't have to worry about that at the moment, doll. It's just fair warning."**

"Alright, whatever. What about the proposition?"

She looked contemplative for a second. "**What is it that you really want? Besides going home."**

Why the hell was that important? "Uhm, I don't know."

"**Would you be approve of Edward stealing your V-card?"**

_Hells yeah!_

"Hells yeah!"

She produced a super-pen and gonzo-paper from thin air and started making a checklist, nodding her head.

"**Can I throw a three-some somewhere in this?"**

I hesitated. "O—kay. Who though?"

"**None of your damn business, that's who. You'll find out soon enough," she muttered with the cigarette dangling from her lips, still writing. "Alright, I have one more request and I'll grant your freedom after each of them are filled."**

"What is it?"

"**I need you to fuck Emmett and have a near-death experience," she said quickly. "And then you're fucking out of here!"**

_Come the fuck again?_

"Excuse me? Em. . . I-I. . . It. . . I'm not fucking Emmett! No! Deal breaker!"

"**So you're saying that you'd rather **_**die**_** in the woods, Isabella, than screw Emmett? Because that is exactly what's going to happen. The only reason I'm here is to save your happy ass. If I don't give you a leg you **_**will not **_**make it out of here alive."**

I pounded my fists into my head and stomped my feet a few times.

_Well now that that's out my system. . . _

"Fine. I'll do it. Can you give me a time though? _When?_"

She snickered and extinguished her cigarette in a big ass mound of dirt where it set on fire and then died down into a pile of ash.

_Damn._

"**Do I look like I'm about to tell you anything, Swan? This is my amusement park, you just sit back and enjoy the fucking ride. I'm not telling you when you and Edward will fuck, who you're having the three-some with and when, when you'll fuck Emmett and nearly die, or when you're getting out of here. You'll cross the fucking bridges when you come to it and I'll be there with every step.**

"**But do remember, Isabella. The future is not set in stone just yet. I only have this motherfucker laminated as of present," **she said waving the plastic layered paper around,** "but what you decide will alter the outcome. I can't manipulate your future entirely but I do what I can, you know?"**

Wow, she sounded like a bigger version of Alice. I shuddered.

"Sounds fair. Do you have a name? Or can I just call you Not God?"

"**Punkii C," **she muttered. **"With two I's."**

"Why does it have two I's?"

"**For non-religious purposes, that's why. Shit, Sherlock, you ask way too many fucking questions."**

God, she was a bitch. I liked her.

"**You know what, just call me Not God. I totally prefer that." **She tossed the plastic paper behind her head where it made a deafening crack against something solid. **"So, now that we've had this little chat you can go back to your coven of idiots. We're done here."**

"Uhm, thank you?"

"**Yeah, whatever, Swan. Enjoying your fail of a camping trip."**

I laughed. The Fail Adventures of Camping.

She cracked a smile and plucked the tip of a tree so it fell over.

"**Oh, by the way, the bird shit on your shoe is gone."**

I looked down and sure enough the white spot on my shoe was no longer there. When I looked back up she was no longer there.

"Belly!"

I turned back to the slope of the hill and saw Emmett and Edward running to me.

"We heard a tree fall and thought you might've been under it," Emmett panted. "What the hell are you doing up here?"

I thought about what Not God said and cringed. I would have to fuck Emmett soon. It's like screwing my brother.

_Hooray incest!_

"Communicating with nature," I mumbled.

(*-*)-(*-*)

Jasper told us some bullshit about setting camp up on top of hills for safety reasons so that's what we did. We used the hill that Not God appeared on and began pitching tents and shit. It was difficult to say the least.

Edward and Jasper nailed forks or something into the ground while Emmett set the tent up. Rose and Alice were in charge of blowing the air mattresses up and I collected firewood. I could only find sticks but when I found the tree Not God plucked down I started pulling of branches and throwing them in a pile.

Edward provided a lighter for our bonfire, we broke out warm wieners, and we all roasted our shits like fucking cowboys. I felt rugged. All we needed was a can of beans.

"So," Emmett said through a mouth full of meat. "The best we can do is make a good thing out of a whack situation, people. We have food, we have water, we have shelter, and we have each other. That's all we need to survive out here. We can start sorting out our shit in the morning. For now, let's just chill."

We all cheered and hooted, our faces silhouetted by the fire.

Jasper reached behind him and pulled a bottle of rum out of his bag; the cheers broke out in full on applause as we all eyed the oddly shaped bottle in Jizz parlor's hand. Nothing like some illegally scored liquor to calm a couple of lost teenagers' nerves.

"Jizzy," I cooed, "how'd you get that?"

He shrugged. "I just walked in picked up the bottle and left the money on the counter. Pablo was asleep in the back."

Hours elapsed as we passed the bottle around and around, laughing, talking, some tears were shed. For no reason at all, these drunk bastards were having a damn confession circle. Alice told us she ran over a stray rabbit and how she buried his body in her backyard and Emmett confessed that he used to masturbate to Hulk Hogan's bulging biceps. We were all drunk off our asses! No one judged!

"Emmett I know exactly how you feel man," Edward slurred. "I did the same thing to John Stamos and his fuck-awesome hair."

Rose handed me the liquor and I giggled tipping the bottle back. Edward giggled too. It was sexy.

I busted up in a full out guffaw as Jasper attacked Alice, throwing her to the floor and raining disgustingly sloppy kisses all over her and how she told him to back his shit up.

Edward laughed even harder, leaning his weight on me, his lips at my ear.

I closed my eyes and breathed out a shudder as his tongue traced the shell of my ear. My hand went to his thigh, massaging the hard-on under his khakis.

"Bella," he groaned.

I pulled back and saw that his normally green eyes were all pupil.

I moaned as his hand squeezed at my breast.

"Fuck me."  


* * *

**Author's Note: Yeah, I know, I'm a bitch for leaving it there like that, right? Ha! Too bad!**

**Reviews are better than Edward and Bella's soon to be lemon ;D**


	5. Fucking Under the Influence

**Author's Note: So, inspiration seems to appear like holidays for me now: it comes and goes very quickly. I noticed, though, that I'm more inspired when I feel the need to break out good old Mr. Kumquat and introduce him to the rest of the vegetable garden. I do update in a timely manner though. I won't ever leave you guys hanging for more than a week :)**

**This chapter is inspired by Kings of Leon's "Sex on Fire", and Framing Hanley's "23 Days ".**

**SO! Without further ado. . . **

**FINALLY! A LEMON CHAPTER! Rated M for a goddamn reason, y'all.**

Maybe Not God had the power to sway others to do things with the snap of her fingers. Or maybe she spanked the monkey to get things done, in which case, it would seriously be one large monkey.

"Hey! You two! Take your sloppy asses to a tent and stay there! Damn kids always ready to jump each others bones."

I wanted to tell Emmett to shut up but I was too far into ecstasy. Edward's mouth was the epitome of all things sweet and perfect even with the slightly bitter taste from the rum. I gasped as his hand cupped my crotch and he slipped his tongue between my parted lips. I sucked greedily on his tongue, crushing his skull to me as I explored him.

I clutched at the hem of his shirt, ready to strip it off of him before he pulled me to my feet, knocked my legs from under me, and carried to me the tent closer to the trees.

With one hand he unzipped the opening of our spacious tent haphazardly and redid it once we were inside, my lips sucking at his neck.

He dropped me on the air mattress unceremoniously and pulled his shirt over his head, granting me a most delicious view of him. Yeah, Mason was lean, but he had the perfect amount of musculature. It was in his arms, the broad space of his shoulders, the shape of his abdomen and pectorals. I whimpered needing to feel every line of him against me and held out my hand. He took it, covering my body with his and kissed me with a drunk passion that rivaled my own. A familiar dull ache surfaced from between my legs and I tried to gain some friction by rubbing my thighs together. It wasn't enough.

"Edward," I whispered against his lips.

He smiled and trailed kisses down my jaw, over the hollow beneath my ear and down my neck. His hands were everywhere. My face, my chest, my hips, between my legs. Almost no spot remained untouched.

"You have the sweetest skin, Bella," he muttered against my chin. "So sweet."

The ache grew till it was almost painful. I wanted the teasing to end, for Mason to be naked already.

"Edward, please," I begged pitifully.

He growled and, _oh my fuck,_ tore my shirt from the neckline to my midriff, _with his teeth. _He driveled open mouthed kisses over my collarbone and bit down on the flesh there, his eyes, black as the starry night overhead of us, gauging my reaction. My back arched off of the bed but I never broke eye contact. Without my say so, my fingers flew to his hair, scratching at his scalp as he licked a wet trail up to where my neck met my shoulder. One of his hands had wriggled it's way into the fly of my jeans, caressing me through the thin material of my underwear.

"Oh, fuck! Mason, please—"

His mouth covered mine possessively as he restrained both my wrists with the other hand, holding them high above my head. His fingers pulled the satin boyshorts aside and he began toying with my slit, just barely stroking the sensitive flesh with the tip of his fingers as he ghosted kisses against my breasts. I writhed and whimpered, silently begging him to touch me, release me.

"Oh, my sweet Bella. How soft you are when you're like this, vulnerable and open. . . " He nudged my legs farther apart with his knees to emphasize his point. "Wet and pleading for me. What is it you want, my Bella? Is it this?"

He let one finger slip through my damp lower lips and into my opening. I bucked against him wildly, panting like a dog in heat.

"Yes! _Ohhh, yes_!"

"Or this?" he asked silkily, pushing a second finger inside of me and pumping agonizingly slow.

"Please, Edward! Faster! Please!"

Had I not been drunk or horny I would have been ashamed of what this man could reduce me to.

He chuckled, a low and throaty sound that seemed to go straight to my womanhood but complied with my request, setting a perfect rhythm. With the tip of his nose he pushed the torn fabric of my shirt over and sucked avariciously on my hardened nipple, his tongue mimicking the fingers inside of me, swirling and twisting, curling and prodding.

I could just taste the pinnacle of oblivion before he withdrew his hands and mouth. My back fell to the suede covered mattress with a plop.

"What the fuck, Mason!"

He ignored me but stared me down like a predator on the hunt. A shiver of pure pleasure rippled through my body at the realization that I would be his prey. He crawled up the bed on all fours looking every bit as sexy and dangerous as he really was. The blackness of his eyes, the coil of his muscles as he climbed over me, that panty-wetting grin on his face. I wanted him. I wanted him like I wanted nothing else in this world. I didn't care that we were lost in the middle of nowhere, or that our friends were just outside of our little buzzed sanctuary. I wanted Mason inside of me. Now.

I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him down to me and kissing him with everything I was worth. I felt his arousal under his jeans, hard and ready, against my sternum. Without breaking the kiss, I drew my knees up on either side of me and slipped my feet into Mason's pants sliding them down his legs and pooling them around his ankles. I felt him smile under my lips and his hands slid beneath my ass, wrenching me up and forward so he was lined up with my opening.

"Edward," I whispered against him. "I'm a virgin."

His lips pulled up into a grin and he told me he knew that already, that he would start out gentle with me.

"Just look at me, Bella. Don't take your eyes off of me."

My heart faltered a bit at the tenderness of his voice. It was something that I'd never heard before, I wanted to hear it again.

Nodding, I lifted myself so just the head of him entered me. I felt nothing but I could see a bead of sweat form on Edward's brow as he strained against the need to thrust into me. I lifted my hips a little higher and felt it this time. He was just at the barrier.

"Oh, Bella," he murmured, pulling me closer to him. "This is going to hurt a little, but remember what I said. Don't take your eyes off me."

I kissed him slowly, letting my lips linger on his, my eyes still open, as he pushed into me.

I'm not going to lie. It hurt, but not as bad as I thought it would. A small sound in the back of my throat bubbled past my lips as I felt him tear through my hymen.

"Ssshhh. It's okay. You're okay," he soothed.

He wiped moisture from under my eye away with his knuckle and brushed his mouth against each of my eyelids, letting me adjust to him.

Honestly, it wasn't easy. This man was absolutely _blessed_ with his endowments. I had no basis for comparison but his girth was truly incredible.

I pressed my heel into the dent of his perfect ass, letting him know that he could move again. He looked into my eyes for a minute, searching, and moved again having found whatever it was. This time I moaned. Through that thin sheath of pain I felt the pleasure that was just under the surface. I wanted to feel it again. I wanted to feel him again. I picked up my hips and he slid into me easier than before, thanks to his other ministrations. He groaned, rather loudly and took my nipple into his mouth. I gasped at the unbelievable feel of him inside of me, how full I was with him and how empty I was when he pulled out. I bucked my hips against him, feeling only a dull sting now.

"Faster, Edward. Please?"

He hesitated for only a moment before I saw something carnal in his eye. He lifted my hips higher and thrust into me with vehemence.

"Oh, fuck," we both moaned in unison. I raised my upper body as best as I could and hooked my arm around his neck, grinding into his pelvis and had the response reverberated throughout my body.

We tuned everything out all together. Where we were, the company we kept, all of it, only feeling each other, only hearing the sound of skin on skin.

As we both neared that end we so desperately needed everything intensified. My screams, his moans, our speed.

Pretty soon he was slamming into me, filling me up over and over again, bringing me closer to that edge.

"Edward," I squeaked. "I'm so close!"

"Me too, love. Oh, fuck!"

He brought his hand to that ever sensitive bundle of nerves at my apex and rubbed it like his life depended on it.

"Oh, fuck! Edward! I'm coming!"

"That's right, baby," he cooed in my ear, plunging in so hard I thought he'd break me. "Let me hear you. Tell me how it feels. Let me feel that tight little pussy milk my cock."

"HOLY SHIT!" I locked every muscle into place as I came crashing down, head-first into my orgasm. It shook me to my very core, making my insides throb so intensely that feeling Edward's thrusts had me coming a second time. Consecutively!

He thrust into me rapidly three more times while my pussy clenched around him before roaring in my ear and releasing a thick load.

I kissed his cheeks, his forehead, his lips while he recovered. When his breathing evened out he lifted me into his arms, lay us down on the mattress and wrapped the down blanket around us. We sat in a blissful post-coital silence just holding one another.

"Edward?" I whispered, not wanting to shatter the quiet.

"Mmm?" he moaned into my hair.

"Where'd you learn to curse like that?"

I imagined his eyebrows knitting together. "Hmm?"

"Before I came. You said some bad-ass words that made my lady parts sing, Mason."

He chuckled and pulled me closer.

"I've always had a filthy mouth, Swan. But I don't waste my good shit for just any occasion, love."

We were silent for another minute.

"Edward?"

"Mmm?"

"Why did you call me 'love'? Twice now."

He hesitated a moment. "Shouldn't it be obvious?"

_Uh-uh! Nope! We're not even _going _down that lane right now! Pshh! Love!_

"It's just drunk love," I reassured him, a slight tremble in my voice.

"_A drunken man never lies_."

I swallowed the non-existent saliva in my mouth and traced the plane of his flat stomach with my finger tip.

"So. . . So you love me, huh?"

He nodded and added a blasé "Yep."

I nodded too and decided to approach the subject as indifferently as he did. "I guess I really like you too, then. Maybe more than like."

"I guess so."

"God, you're as ass."

"I know," he smiled.

"I hate you," I whispered in the crook of his neck.

"I hate you more," he whispered back.

Whe spent the rest of the night in each others arms.

"Aww, shit, Ro! Is that it? I thought they'd be at it all night!"

"Shut the hell up, you oaf! They can probably hear your dumb ass! Do you know how creepy you would look if they found out you were listening?"

"Not my damn fault they fuck like retired porn stars. HEY EDWARD! I KNOW YOU HEAR ME SPARKLE DICK! LEARN HOW TO FUCK YOUR WOMAN WITH SOME DAMN GUSTO!"

An earsplitting crack sounded from outside something heavy dropped, and someone was dusting their hands off.

"Goodnight, Emmett," Rose cooed, climbing into her tent.

"HEY, EM!" Edward bellowed. "LEARN HOW TO NOT GET KNOCKED THE FUCKED OUT BY A BLONDE!"

**Author's Note" The end. Of that chapter. Like it? Love it? Let me know. Next chapter weaves an extra character into our little tale of fail. Can you guess who it is? ;)**


	6. Reminiscing, Sex, and Christmas Caroling

**Author's Notes: Okay, so, major props to _OCDE_ and _Soulless Monster _are in order for their brilliant and observant eyes. I did make a few boo-boos in TFAC that need light shed upon them. Just remember, I'm working without a beta and I'm taking college classes so I will make mistakes often. **

**First, what was Edward Mason in my story is actually pronounced Edward _Masen_. Yeah, with an E. So from here on forth pay attention to Masen and forget Mason, mm'kay? **

**Second, I skipped an entire chapter and didn't realize it until after chapter 5 was up so I will compensate for it ;)**

**Thirdly, enjoy the damn story!**

**Rated M for lemons, language, and the defiling of classic Christmas carols!

* * *

**

EPOV

As I sat in the school cafeteria, flicking stale french fries at the cracked drywall before me, I realized just how much I loathed high school. Why did I really belong here? I was far more advanced than the teachers here were, let alone the students. It seemed an eternity of purgatory was necessary to complete the growth of adolescence.

"Haha! Hey, Douchward, watch me shoot this fry into Stanley's greased up head!"

I did. For lack of things to do. Emmett leaned forward in his seat, french fry and spork in hand, held the stale potato to the tip of the eating utensil, held the two down, and released them, where it flew straight into Jessica Stanley's hair. She looked around blankly for a minute then shrugged and went back to her shrilly conversation.

Rosalie scoffed in disgust as she wrapped a blonde strand around her finger. Jasper laughed and high-fived Emmett.

Again, I wondered what I'd done to deserve such sufferance.

"Edward." I turned to Alice. She was the only one who could have at least sympathized with me. "Did you hear about the new girl—Bella? I have English with her. She's really pretty. . ." Though she didn't know when to stop talking.

"Yes," I said simply, interrupting the rest of whatever she was going to say. "Just another half-witted girl ready to throw herself at me." And it was true, they all did at one point in time. Sometimes it was a curse, this dazzling quality of beauty I possessed.

"That's her," Alice chirped, pointing to the brunette next to Jessica. "Aww, poor girl."

I couldn't see her clearly; Jessica's mannish shoulder blade prevented my sight. Poor girl, indeed. Already put in the clutches of the airheads, eating with them, and on her first day, too.

I tisked and pushed the food tray away from myself, no longer hungry. I stood, picked up my tray and the others followed suit. We discarded our trash and went to our respective classes.

Usually the first into class, I set my things onto the workbench and placed my bag in the stool beside me, thankful that I sat alone. Biology was one of the classes that I was superior in. Often I would catch Banner forgetting the most basic materials of the subject and providing us with nonsense written compilations about cytoplasm and ocean shelves to avoid oral teaching.

As the other children filled into the class I doodled idly on the edge of my binder, and then I thought, "Men don't doodle, we scribble". Good Lord, I was bored! From absolutely nowhere, the most delicious aroma attacked my senses; my head snapped up, and the length of my pants shortened to an almost painful degree.

The brunette from lunch—Bella, her name was—stood before Mr. Banner, her hair blowing wildly from the fan in front of her. As she spoke quietly with him, I took her in greedily. Though slender in form, she was plentiful in curves and they were all in the right places. Her low-rise jeans hugged her long legs in the most delectable way and her tight blue long-sleeved shirt clung to her like a second skin, her ample breasts straining against the offending fabric. Her hair was long, almost waist-length, and sumptuous. But what drew me to this creature most, what made my heart clench, was her eyes. Big, opulent, doe-like eyes so brown and inviting one could get lost and still be willing to go deeper.

I swallowed; I was salivating like an animal. For what was probably the first time, I was fully and utterly turned on. I looked to my lap to inspect the damage. If I didn't handle my shit soon the fly of my zipper was going to take someone's eye out. How could this be? From simply looking at her! This was mortifying!

I scooted my chair closer to the desk, hiding my shame as she made her way over. Of-fucking-course, she had to take the seat next to me. She gave me a slight smile as she sat down and was about to say something, her pink and pouty lips slightly parted, before she saw my expression and turned away, her cheeks stained scarlet. I wondered if she blushed scarlet all over.

Dear God, what's become of me!

I saw in her eyes, before she turned away, exactly what she'd seen—a constipated looking monster. I appeared to be literally in pain, and I was! My jeans were most definitely leaving a mark on the senor downstairs.

I turned my glare on the benevolent beauty beside me, stricken with an anger and lust so acute I was prepared to ravage her on top of this very desk, in front of every one of these children, glad to give them a show. She saw me from the corner of her eye and made a small sound in the back of her throat, tossing her hair over her shoulder, making a curtain between us. And wafting that heady scent of vanilla musk and ripened strawberries in my direction. I stiffened even further.

_Alright we have four choices here, Masen, _I reasoned internally. _Door number one, we can take her right here and now. _I shook my head. No matter how much I'd love to I wouldn't fancy being convicted for rape. Or charged with indecent exposure. _Door number two, we can lure her out into the woods and take her then._ Doable, I nodded. But what of the other options? _Door number three is having a wank session in the bathroom. _Although it probably was the best way to deal with my. . . problem. . . in a timely matter, I didn't favor the thought of spanking my junk in a stall listening to toilet water splash from released feces. Number 4? _The fourth option would be to ignore her all together. _And that was the best option so far.

_Jerry, I'll spin for Door Number 4!_

And I'd followed through on my decision. I avoided contact with the temptress named Isabella Swan. Sort of. In biology I scooted my chair to the very end of the table, farthest away from her and found myself paying as much attention to Banner as I possibly could, though the blood rushing from my head to my groin made me especially hard. Er, difficult! It made _paying attention _especially _difficult_! And it appeared that I was wrong not only about her being half-witted but her blatant attraction to me. She showed no signs, and I doubt she even remembered that I sat next to her. If I knew any better I would say she had no attraction at all. _Nah, that's going a little too far._

But I always kept a watchful eye over her, following her when she tended to roam during lunch, who she conversed with, what kind milk she picked up. Every morning was a race to get to school solely so I could make sure she arrived unharmed. _It was the hormones controlling me. _

As the weeks passed I began to doubt this more and more. I found myself yearning not only for her body but for her conversation, her smiles, her ideas of bad puns, her companionship. It irked me to see imbeciles like Mike Newton or Tyler Crowley grab her by the arm and flirt shamelessly, like lowly dogs.

It had been exactly one month of my aversion of her that she'd finally spoken to me, a day that I will never forget.

It was the rush hour of high school—12:10. Isabella seemed especially eager to get to her class that day, weaving through and by everyone with ease, her hair flowing behind her. Naturally I kept up just fine but I wasn't as able as she had been. As I closed in on her she seemed to go even faster. I became curious where she was rushing to. Lifting my head only briefly I saw Alice standing in the general direction of where we were headed. Alice? Her smile was 10 miles wide. What the hell is this?

She broke eye contact with me, gave Bella a thumbs up and grinned again.

Without any warning whatsoever, Bella skidded to a stop. I tried to stop myself, wheeled my body to pause mid-step but it didn't work. The toe of my shoe came down on the back of hers and she turned to me, her expression half livid and half amused.

"Hey, Masen, watch where the fuck you're going!" she barked.

And I knew I was in love.

(*~*)

"Oh, Masen," a sweet voice cooed.

I sighed, a smile on my lips as I inched ever closer to the warm body below me.

"Masen," the voice gasped.

"Hmm?"

"Get the fuck up and stop raping my thigh with your boner." There was a slight tremble in her words, marring the sweet bitterness of her tone.

I detested, shaking my head side to side and licking a wet trail up the crook of her neck.

"Ahh fuck. Holy shit, you bastards are hard first thing in the damn morning," she whined. I cupped Bella's perfect mounds in my hands and pinched them as they began to pebble under my touch. "Ohh, I could get used to this, though."

I gave a slight chuckle that choked off on the end when her small hand reach across her naked body and wrap around my shaft. "Oh, fuck, Swan, you will be the death of me, I swear it."

"Mmm, good to know," she purred, squeezing her fist as she pumped me.

"I need to be inside you, love. Now." It came out as a growl, and I was aching so bad I barely registered the sound of my own voice. I parted her delectable folds and stroked her clit, replacing her hand on my dick with my own as I positioned myself at her entrance. She mewled and thrashed against my persistent fingers, reaching behind her and fisting a head full of my hair.

"Put it in! Put it in before I come!"

I lifted her leg up from the thigh to get a better angle and slid in to her as slowly as I could possibly manage, just to tease her. Oh, but she was so fucking warm and slick.

"Fuck, Bella," I groaned pulling all the way out just to bury myself in again. "You have the most luscious of cunts, love."

She whimpered in response, grinding her equally luscious ass against my dick and triggering something cannibalistic in me. I hitched the back of her knee over my elbow and pounded into her with relentless force, her cries and screams only spurring me on. She worked her hips into me with as much aggression as I was applying to her and I was drunk with the pleasure of my Bella, her being permeating each of my senses. The sight of her face twisting with the ecstasy we brought each other, the smell of her sweet perfume drifting off of her, the taste of her salty skin against my tongue, her moans and pants echoing over and over like lilting music filling my ears, and the feel of her soft skin on me, of her tight snatch around me.

It wasn't before long that I felt her begin to clench around me. I reached around her undulating hips and rubbed her clit, amounting enough pressure to make her break into a paroxysm of spasms.

"That's right, baby," I whispered harshly in her ear. "Come on my dick, Bella. Milk my fucking cock with that tight little pussy, Swan."

"HOLY SHIT!" she shrieked.

"Fuck, Swan!" I thrust into her but a few more times before I was hurled over the edge myself, crushing Bella to my chest.

As we came down together, panting and sweaty, I heard the others beginning to wake and emerge from their tents. It was another minute before I was sure I wasn't hearing things.

"I think everyone's up, Edward," Bella whispered.

"I know. Should I check?"

She shook her head and held my arm to her chest, taking a deep breath and sighing it out quickly. "Might as well get dressed and meet them out there. We're lost, remember? We need to start looking for a checkpoint while the sun is still up. Can't just stay in here fucking you all day."

I kissed her forehead, peeled the covers from my body and gathered my clothes, Bella doing the same.

When we were both decent we exited the tent, hand in hand, and soaked up the morning sun.

That shit backfired on us.

If anyone, and I mean anyone, had _any _recollection of how much we drunk last night they needed to open their fucking mouths. A hangover the size of Emmett thundered in my skull and I wanted nothing more than to crawl into Bella and sleep.

Rose was laughing her ass off. How the hell could she laugh at a time like this?

"Don't give me those dirty looks," she scoffed. "I only had a few sips. You asses were pouring that shit down your throats so you get what you deserve."

We packed the tents away and set out into the wild again. I specifically remember giving only a small amount of input on how we should have gotten to the checkpoint. It was everyone else adding their own mangled inputs that threw us so far off. Today was December 22, the second day of camping and we definitely planned on making it out of this park before Christmas.

"So, Edward," Alice chirped beside me as we trudged through knee high crab grass. "Have any interesting dreams last night?"

"Are you a mind reader of some sort, pixie?"

"Nope. I just imagined that you had an interesting dream is all."

"Your full of shit, Alice."

"Alright, everyone!" she shouted, completely ignoring my statement. "Let's sing a Christmas song to get us through here in good spirits! Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell rock!. . . "

She sang the damn song three times, alone, might I add. Around the fourth time me and Bella had had enough of her voice. She interrupted Alice on the second verse and changed the words to a startling degree.

"_What a bright time, it's the right time,_

_To fuck the night away!_

_Jingle Bell time, is a swell time,_

_To go sliding down Edward's sleigh!"_

I laughed but joined in right on time.

"_Giddy up, Bella dear, pick up your ass,_

_Jiggle around my cock!_

_Mix and a mingle cause we're coming fast!"_

We sang the chorus together:

"_That's the Jingle Bell,_

_That's the Jingle Bell,_

_That's the Jingle Bell Fuck!"_

Everyone but Alice laughed themselves to tears. She frowned in frustration and stomped her feet with every new step she took.

We'd been venturing for about two hours before Jasper called to us from up ahead.

"What is it, Jazz?" Alice asked, running to his position.

"Uhm, you might not want to make any sudden moves, darlin'. That goes for all of you," Jasper said without expression.

"Why the fuck not?" Bella demanded from behind me.

And that's when I heard the cock of a shotgun.

"Because unless you want your fucking head blown off your shoulders you're gonna stop moving."

A man-boy just about our age with long, tangled hippie hair held us all at gun point in nothing but jeans and a pair of socks. He looked like he genuinely wanted to shoot us. I was just surprised that Forks had Indian red necks.

"Holy shit," Bella muttered, holding her hands up. "Your nose is fucking huge!"

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Author's Note: So for those of you who guessed it, yes, the whole beginning up there was a flashback/dream thing. I tried to incorporate the missed chapter as best as I could without being too cheesy :/. Sorry if you didn't like it; I enjoyed righting it though. It's based loosely on Midnight Sun so, yeah. **

**Okay, then! Thoughts? Questions? Any feedback at all? Just hit that sexy little review button down there, huh? ;)**


	7. Being Played By Not God

**Author's Note: I sort of feel lost when I don't update, guys. There's a specific outline that always ends up being flipped around by yours truly and mixed into something else. It's frustrating, this hamster wheel mind of mine, but I will always _try _to stay on track. Promise (:**

**Also, I appreciate every review sent my way, but I'm a complete jackass for not responding to most of them :/ Real life is a bitch and sadly I'm her whore.**

**The end of the chapter is inspired solely by The Sleeping's "Don't Hold Back". That's my shit.**

**So! Without further ado!**

**Rated M for Language, Lemons, and the defiling of hideous trucks**

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BPOV

"Pa! I brought us some guests!"

The wild man ushered us all into his crappy ass house, butting the nose of his shotgun into our backs as each of us stepped through the doorway.

"Mmm," he hummed appreciatively as I stepped past him. "You got a fine little wiggle on you, don't ya baby?"

I grimaced and got as close to Edward as possible without tripping myself. He lead us to a small room with no windows and a scratched up sofa and told us to sit down. I'll be damned if it wasn't tight. Making space, each of the guys lifted their women into their laps and made it infinitely more comfortable.

The floor was was boarded with half-ass carved wood nailed to the ground at random, chips of wood littered just about every which way. The walls were dingy and cracked, the off-white paint cracking every few inches or so. I was too afraid to look at the ceiling, but directly in front of us, pictures of naked women were hoisted by strings tied to the roof.

"It smells like shit in here," Emmett muttered. "And spunk."

"There's porn tied to the ceiling, Emmett," Edward quipped. "It's not going to smell like daisies of any kind.

I felt his arm wrap tighter around my waist and I reflexively wrapped my arms around his neck, a sense of security suddenly enveloping my body.

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine." I inhaled the skin of his neck and allowed myself to relax. I didn't feel like I was being held captive anymore.

"Now," the wild man cocked his gun and aimed straight at Rose's face. "Tell me what the hell you're doin' in mah forest!"

His skin was a russet color and he had long black hair that demanded a cut. He had a slight build and was tall as hell but his face was of the young. I made sure to catalog this motherfucker and etch that shit into my head so I could report him to Charlie when I got back to Forks.

_If you get back to Forks._

_-Shut the fuck up._

"First of all, it would be in your best fucking interest to remove that bullshit gun from my face," Rose growled, and holy shit was she serious. "Secondly, you must have smoked some seriously fucked up shit if you think you're going to demand things from me without giving a name."

"Jacob," he grinned. "Jacob Black. And might I add how purty you look with all that yellow hair?"

"Jesus fuck, we've been held hostage by an illiterate!" Alice shouted.

Jasper pulled her closer to him and stroked her spiky head, muttering something about Jacob probably not knowing what an illiterate was.

"Enough of yer city-folk talk! I want some answers, dammit!"

"What 'ave we got here, boy?" An older man with pronounced wrinkles and a cowboy hat came rolling in on. . . on. . . what the fuck is that? He was sitting in a bucket that was tied to some sticks with two stone wheels holding them up. All in all it resembled a wheel chair.

"Wow, we got us some lookers here, ay boy?" the man with the funny contraption smiled, wheeling himself in and positioning himself next to his son. He leered at each of us females with a disgusting smile that showed no teeth.

"City-folk, pa. I reckon' they're lost."

"Well then. You know what to do with them."

I blanched. Do with us? What the hell did he mean "Do with us"? Was he going to shoot us and take our things? Bury us under these shitty wood panels? Drag us out one by one into the forest and torture us until we begged for death? In that instant, I found myself hating each one of the fuckers I was with for dragging me along on this bum trip and getting me lost. I would never see Charlie again. He would be helpless all by himself, or worse, starve himself into a coma.

The man in the chair raised a shotgun of his own from the roped grass back of his seat and held it up at us, ready to shoot.

"Take the women to the cellar, Jake, and then come back for the men. I'll make sure they don't try no funny stuff, but hurry up. We gotta call Leah for some. . . things."

"Edward," I squeaked, unable to find my voice. My eyes connected with his and I saw all of his every emotion there. Possessiveness, anger, rage, love. But not an ounce of fear.

"He won't hurt you," he promised, gingerly cupping my face in his hands. "He's not going to hurt you, okay?"

And then I remembered my meeting with Not-God. Maybe she was pulling the strings in this operation. Maybe we were in no real danger and she was just fucking with us. She did say Edward would take my V-card—that happened. She also said my hard shell was going to crack—which also happened. All that was left was fucking Emmett, the three-some and a near death experience. I had an idea which one was coming next. Not-God gave me her word that I would live and I believed her.

I was no longer afraid, and Edward could see that. As the Jacob-boy told us to get up Edward took my face between his hands again and kissed me like my life depended on it.

"You'll be okay," he whispered against my parted lips. "I'll be right behind you."

I nodded and got to my feet, hearing the others whisper their love for one another. It was embarrassing to watch them; I felt like an intruder in their intimate moment. Eventually Rose and Alice stood too and we were ushered out of the room again.

"Oh yeah!" Jacob told us to stay where we were and ran to a room out of our line of vision. When he came back, he was holding dirty sashes in his hands, all of different colors. "Turn around, ladies."

We did, hesitantly, and he tied a rag around each of our eyes, blinding us. We were paraded around the house a few times, going in circles purposely to confuse us. Alice told him to stop fucking with us and he listened, finally walking us in a straight line. We were led out of the house and into the forest again, panic streaming through my veins when just as soon we were inside again but in a different location. I felt the earth decline beneath my feet and knew we were going underground. It was a steep but not overly so. When we stopped I inhaled the air around us. It was dry, an acrid taste covering my tongue. Jacob untied the blindfolds from our eyes and told us to sit on the floor. This room was pitch black and I couldn't have recognized any difference from behind the rags if I wanted to.

"Stay here and don't do nothing that might get y'allselfs killed. Im'ma go get yer men and y'all will sit here till pa figures out what to do with ya's." His English made me want to bang my head against a rock.

I heard his footsteps get farther away from us, heard a padlock being wrenched to the door, heard the door shut with finality, and then silence.

It was another minute before I heard Alice timidly call for Rose and I.

"Right here, Al."

"I'm here, Lice," Rose whispered.

"Don't call me that," Alice seethed. She took a breath to calm herself before speaking again. "Where are you guys?"

They both sounded so far away from me and I hated the distance.

"Alice, did you hear about the new Prada handbag that was delivered to New York? Know what's going on with that?"

"Oh God yes! You mean the one covered in leopard print and checkered stripes, right? Well they said that the demand for it was so high that another shipment is. . . "

I crawled to the sound of the talkative pixie's voice, using her constant stream of words as a guide. Hopefully Rose was thinking in my direction as well.

It wasn't a whole minute before my outstretched hand encountered Alice's camisole covered shoulder blade. I sighed, got to my knees and threw my arms around her small body, just glad that she was safe, that she was here with me. I felt Rose's hand on my arm and pulled her into the embrace as well. Thankfully Alice shut up long enough for me to suggest a plan.

"We've been kidnapped by a couple of illiterate rednecks, girls. Escape is actually much easier than we think it is. We just have to convince them to do something, make them slip up so bad that they leave us unsupervised, give us a chance to run for it. Any ideas?"

"Seduction?" Of course Rosalie would choose that kind of distraction. "We can tell him we'd fuck him and shoot him in the dick when he's naked."

"No," I said shaking my head. "Too many holes in that plot. He's going to wonder where the sudden urge to have sex with him came from. Not to mention the dude in the wheelchair doesn't work from the waist down. There'd be no point with him and he'd shoot us point-blank."

"We can ask him nicely?" Alice chirped.

Rose slapped Alice in the back of the head and I thanked her for doing it for me.

Just then the lock of the door jiggled and all three of us released a sound of distress. A minimal amount of light flew into the room as four large figures filed into the dank room. I could pick Edward out immediately.

Emmett, Jasper and Edward were led to the corner farthest from us where they sat, sashes still tied around their eyes, their hands as well.

"When Leah comes," Jacob began, sauntering over to the door, "she'll decide what to deal with you lot. For now, y'all stayin' here for the night. I'll be back in a few, kiddies." And with that we were locked in again.

We crawled as fast as we could to get to the boys, hugging them to us as we met. I untied the knot behind Edward's head and let the blindfold fall to the floor, my heart swelling as I gazed into my favorite pair mossy green eyes. I unbinded his wrists next and was pressed against his hard chest not a second later.

He stroked my hair, head to waist and back again, as he whispered his worries to me in my hair.

"I'm fine," I assured him. "We have to figure out a way to escape, though."

"I know, love. Jasper already thought of the perfect ploy."

"Lay it on us, Jizz Parlor."

Turns out that Jizzy's thoughts were similar to Rose's. We were going to seduce Jacob. My skin crawled at the idea of being so close to his nose. The boys were going to take care of the man in the wheelchair, Billy, once we took care of his son. As we all learned of our roles, I couldn't help the grimace that appeared n my face. Why did it always have to be me? Masen was in agreeance with me but Emmett convinced us that it was for the best.

"Hey guys," Alice shouted, excited. "Those idiots forgot to jack our shit! We still have food!"

Recognition fell over us and we all jerked the bags off our backs. I swear to God I didn't even remember having these. We had food, water, and Edward found his pocket knife. Perfect! We found a few flashlights and shined them around, getting a look at where we were exactly. It was a low ceiling cave formation, 100% rock walled room. Damn.

The rest of the evening was spent going over our lines, snacking, and thinking over improvisation if something didn't go according to plan, though unlikely, and sleeping in our lovers' arms.

When Jacob arrived to retake us only a few hours later the plan was set into action on the spot. I scrambled to my feet sleepily and closed the distance between us, throwing my arms over his neck and pressing my body against his. The others pretended to still be asleep behind us.

"Jacob," I breathed. "Take me. Please take me!" If my breath stunk then this might not go as smoothly as planned.

"W-what are ya doing, woman? Don't touch me like thayat!"

I wheeled my hands to glide down his sturdy body and caress his ass through his raggedy jeans.

"Please, Jacob? We're alone. They're too tired to bother us." I took his hands in mine and placed them on my hips, attaching my lips to his neck. He tasted like sweat and shit. I missed Edward and his clean, manly taste. "I'll be quiet, I swear. I want you so badly, please!"

_And the award for worst horny teenager goes to. . . Bella Swan! Someone direct this whore to an acting coach!_

_-Will you shut the fuck up and let me act, goddamn annoying inner voice! I'm trying for fuck's sakes!_

As I flicked my tongue over his collarbone I felt him give in a bit. The hands on my hips moved lower to my ass where he pulled me even closer to him. I felt his junk harden against my stomach and wanted so badly to get away from him.

He groaned and pulled my head up with his hand, his tongue diving in my mouth with absolutely no grace whatsoever. I dry heaved. His mouth reminded me of Renee's dog's. He had dog breath! I pulled my lips away from him, turning my face to gape in some fresh, dry air. His hot mouth went to my chest, his fingers impatiently pulling my shirt away from my body.

"Jacob I want you inside of me," I said quickly, and I knew the others behind me were ready to set themselves into action. From this position, I could just barely see Rose dig into Edward's bag and pull out the knife, quickly handing it to Emmett and pretending to sleep again. Em passed it to Jasper, Jasper to Alice, where she hid the knife behind her back, her eyes closed. Edward was aware of the exchanges of course, but remained still. The knife was for emergency use only. If the original plan failed, the back up plan would most definitely succeed.

Jacob pushed me back against the wall that Masen sat up against, sneering.

"I wanna fuck you right next to your lover boy, here," he panted undoing his jeans. "I want him to hear it in his sleep. He doesn't deserve such a purty bird like you, doll."

I tried to smile but that shit fell flat. This just felt so wrong in so many ways.

"Ready, baby?" He pulled my pants down to my ankles in one swift movement and positioned himself at my entrance. I made a small noise in the back of my throat, surprised at his speed. He wasn't supposed to have made it this far! What the fuck were they doing? Kill him, Alice! Kill him!

Jacob pulled my legs up around his neck and was just about to thrust into me when a deafening crack sounded behind him and he fell onto my chest. Edward stood behind him, his expression stoic.

"Now you can fuck all the 'purty' birds you'd like, in unconsciousness," he said, his voice icy as he kicked Jacob onto his side and off of me. He dropped to his knees and pulled me to his chest, just holding me, not saying anything.

"I'm so sorry, love. So sorry."

I found that I couldn't open my mouth to speak, to tell him that he didn't need to be sorry; there was a lump in my throat, though. I then noticed that my cheeks were wet. I touched the pad of my finger to my face and observed the moisture. Tears. I was crying? I didn't even fucking notice! Not God was taking shit too far now.

"I'm okay, Edward," I croaked.

"Are you sure?" he asked, pulling back to look at me. I nodded and he kissed my lips chastely, trying not to frighten me. Bullshit. I attacked his lips when he pulled away, my tongue darting out to swipe against his lower lip. He opened up to me and I met his tongue with my own, tasting him, savoring that tang was specifically Edward.

"Bella." he whispered against my lips, catching his breath. "Stay here with Alice. Rose is outside hot-wiring Jacob's truck as we speak. I'll be with her so we can get out of this shithole faster, okay?"

I nodded, not wanting to let him go in any case. He kissed me once more before going out the door.

Why the hell is it so cold in here? I looked down and noticed my pants were around my fucking ankles.

_Well damn._

I pulled my pants up my leg and crawled over to Alice, who was going through everyone's bags, looking for something.

"Al?"

Her spiky little head snapped up from her task and she threw everything aside to put her arms around me.

"We're so sorry for putting you in that situation, Bells. Especially Edward. You know we love you, right?"

I smiled and hugged Alice till she squeaked. "I know, pixie. I just broke down a little. I'm fine."

"Good! Now put these on," she said throwing clothes at me. "You smell like dog."

I dressed quickly, not paying any attention to what I was putting on.

"Where is everyone?"

"Jacob left his hideous truck outside but hid the keys. Em and Jasper are looking for the keys in that rat shack house but Rose and Edward are trying to hot-wire it."

_Edward._

Edward saved my shit just now. If he hadn't taken Jacob out when he did. . . Edward. I couldn't form a coherent thought anymore. Only Edward. I didn't even thank him.

I rose to my feet without another word to Alice and let my legs guide me out of the rocky room.

_I have to find Edward._

Getting through the door, I climbed the steep incline to the exiting doorway.

_I have to thank Edward._

I was met with the bright new moon shining over the forest, giving the green grass a silvery gleam through the blackness my surroundings.

_Edward saved me._

The groan of an engine sounded to my left and I followed it without thought. I saw Rose's long legs peaking out from beneath the truck.

_Edward loves me._

As my legs shifted me closer to the loud vehicle, I saw a figure in the passenger seat. Just a shadow but I knew it was him. I knew it was Edward.

_I'm in love with Edward._

I threw the passenger door open and crawled into his lap, covering his mouth with mine before he could say anything. He made a noise of surprise but otherwise didn't stop me. His lips felt different from before, tasted different too. No matter. It was probably my imagination. I was possibly still in shock.

_I didn't thank you, Edward. Thank you so much. You saved me, Edward._

I conveyed every thought I was thinking into the kiss, pouring myself into it.

_I love you, Edward._

Without breaking the kiss I discarded my pants as well as his and positioned his erection at my entrance.

_I want to love you, Edward._

Another sound of surprise. I kissed him hard as I let him slide into me, moaning into his mouth as I buried him in me to the hilt. He felt incredibly different but still wonderful nonetheless. I picked up my hips and dropped them into his lap again, letting him fill me completely again and again. It was magnificent.

I was just about at my peak when the passenger door flung open. I lifted my head from Edward's mouth to tell whoever was there to fuck off but the words caught in my throat when I got an eyeful of copper-bronze hair.

"Bella?" the figure choked?

"Edward?"

Then who the hell. . . ? I turned to the person under me.

"Emmett!"

"Bella!"

"Emmett!"

"Edward?"

"Bella?"

"Edward!"

"Hey, Edward what's all the . . . ? Emmett and Bella!"

"Jasper!"

Fuck my life.

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Author's Note: Oh yeah. I'm fucked in the head, I know, I know. This little part here was supposed to be in the next chapter but I wanted to push my luck ;) **

**So, like it? Love it? Hate it? Confused to shits? Let me know! Just press that pretty little review button down there, aye?**


	8. Ready to Jack Shit Up

**Author's Note: Gawd, life is kicking my ass right now. If you've noticed, yeah, I'm updating later than usual :/ sorry, lovelies. Your reviews are knocking me on my ass with awesomeness, though. Each one brightens my day for sure, so thanks. Also, I've had a request to give fair warning for the chapter ;) fine by me:**

**THERE IS NO MORE JACOB HALF-LEMONS FOR NOW, so rest easy and eat your damn cereal without hurling it everywhere *snort*.**

**Okay! So, without further ado!**

**Rated M for not-quite lemons, language, the defiling of hideous trucks, and jacking people's shit. ЯaωR3333**

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"Bella?"

I felt like a fucking deer caught in headlights. I wanted to do something—anything!—but what does one do when caught in such a compromising situation with their best friend by their boyfriend and southern friend? I had no clue, so I just sat there, wide-eyed and staring. I totally forgot Emmett was even under me until he bucked his fucking hips and hit my new favorite love square. I did some strangled mix of a groan/moan/mewl thing and Edward's eyes seemed to bulge out of their sockets. He had such lovely eyes. . .

Remembering my situation, I pushed Emmett's head away from my chest and for some godforsaken reason, his fat head rebounded off the seat and back to my tits. I groaned—in frustration, —and pulled Em's peen from between my legs when a wave of fucking vertigo hit me. Not God was a bitch.

"Edward, I _swear _it's not what it looks like!"

_Hmm, Swan, shall we try all of the retarded cliches of sitcom history?_

_-Shut up. This is serious._

"I thought he was you, Edward."

_There's two!_

"It was a mistake!"

_Strike three, bitch! You're fucking out of here!_

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

All three of them stared at me like I sprouted a third head when I finally realized I was talking to myself out loud. Again.

I pounded my fists into my head and crawled out of Emmett's lap. I retrieved my jeans from the floor, dusted them off and threw it over my shoulder, thinking of something to say because, clearly, no one else was saying shit.

Pants less, I walked up to Edward unabashedly and stood before him, absolutely vulnerable. I took a deep breath and tried to find some solace in being close to him, at least, grounding myself.

"I thought you were the one in the truck," I explained quietly. "Alice told me that _Emmett _and Jasper were raiding the old man so I figured you would be in the truck and I. . . I wanted to thank you for saving me from being gorilla raped by the dog but. . . " My voice trailed off, and I sounded far away, even to myself.

Edward still said nothing, just looked me in the eye. He looked. . .pained. I hated seeing him like this, it wrenched my heart.

I cupped his face in my hands and brought him down to eye level, giving him a better view of whatever he was looking for.

"I'm not lying to you. I would never lie to you about this, about fucking Emmett. I'm sorry, Edward. Please." I choked back a sob but continued to hold his gaze. My eyes were beginning to swim with tears and I wanted to get this out before I embarrassed myself anymore. "I fucking love you, Edward. Please."

He crashed his mouth down on mine, surprising the shit out of me, and lifted me into his arms. I got one hell of a breeze through the back door, if you know what I mean.

I forgive you, love," he whispered against my lips. "And I love you too. . . love."

I smiled, kissed him once more and asked him to put me down. I wanted some fucking pants on. Now.

As I pulled my jeans up, I turned to Jasper who was just gaping at me.

Goddammit, he saw my hoohah.

"Jasper, uhm, I know you and Alice are like this," I said crossing my middle finger around the index, "but could you not tell Alice about this, or even Rose? I just. . . really don't need to hear anything from them today."

He swallowed, audibly, and scratched the back of his neck. "Uh, yeah, sure Bells. Secret's safe with me. All of yer secrets."

I hugged him for a minute and told him to fucking am-scray so I could talk to my boys. He left without a second's hesitation. I only really needed to talk to Emmett but I knew asking Edward to leave would be pushing the envelope a little too far. He took my hand in his when I turned back to them, and I felt better.

"Em?" My voice was quiet as a mouse. I was. . . what? I had no idea what I was. Angry that he didn't say anything? It was kind of my fault. I damn near sealed his mouth shut. Hurt that I just fucked my best friend and left him naked. Yeah, that was probably it. _I _did it and _I'm _the one who's hurt.

Emmett looked confused to shits, like I just asked him to solve a math puzzle. His eyebrows were knit together, his eyes scrunched up and his lips were shaped like an 'O', his pants still around his ankles.

"Wh. . . What?"

"Pull your pants up, Emmy."

He did, slow as hell, but did. Edward stood behind me, rubbing the pad of his thumb over my knuckles and averting his eyes to. . . something.

"Em, I'm sorry I just took advantage of you. I thought you were Edward and I just. . . fucked. I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable. You know I love you, right?"

His face softened and he slid out of the truck, making the bitch lean like damn. "I forgive you, Belly. I thought you were Rose, for a while there, anyway," he laughed. "She's usually the only one who takes control like that, but then I noticed that it was a much tighter fit—"

"Emmett!" Edward hissed. I admit, I did jump a little.

Emmett busted out in a guffaw, bending at the waist and slapping his knee. "Oh, calm down, Doucheward! I was fucking with you. Sorry about giving your girl the E-Stick. We cool?"

Edward squeezed my fingers and I gave him a reassuring squeeze back. He sighed and cracked a half smile, extending his other hand and pounding Emmett's fist. "Yeah, we're cool. No harm, no foul."

The engine sputtered and came to life before us and Rosalie came strutting from behind the truck with a shit-eating grin on her face. I wonder how her face would look if she found out that I fucked her man. On second thought though, I changed my mind. I had no death wish as of yet.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait a goddamn minute! Rose was under the truck the whole fucking time? And didn't notice the animal vibrations coming from the front seat? Really? Rose must _really _love her cars, dude.

"Mission accomplished, bitches. Can we get the fuck out of here now?"

After sending Jasper to get Alice, we all boarded the musty ass truck, four in the cabby and two in the bed out back, and we zoomed north according to the navigator on the dash. Emmett and Rosalie took turns driving for a while. We ate what little was left in our aluminum thingies and I knew for a fact that if we didn't make it out of this forest soon, we would starve.

Alice and Jasper wanted to sit in the bed of the truck to "connect with nature"—also known as fucking— and Edward and I sat in the seat behind the passenger's. The heat from the truck and Edward's warm body was all I needed to doze off peacefully.

I was stuttered awoke by Rose pounding on the damn brakes, sending me flying forward over the front seat, my ass all in Edward's face. Fan-fucking-tastic.

"What the hell, Rose!"

"There's a store! There's a fucking store in the middle of nowhere!" she shouted, in my ear, might I add.

I lifted my head to see a small building with a neon sign flashing "Vicky's Outing Complex" on the roof. The sun was just coming up from behind the tips of the oak trees, streaming a bright light through the windshield and in my face.

The each of us crawled out of the truck and walked to the front door using the buddy-system. Em and Ro peeped through the glass door and turned to us with grins.

"Jackpot," they muttered together.

We all shuffled into the store warily and went to the counter where a frizzy red head stood smiling at us. She was creepy as shit. I stood slightly behind Edward, hiding from her glare.

"Welcome to Vicky's, I'm Vicky, and have a Vicky day."

Heh?

"Yeah, whatever," Rose said, waving her hand. "Why do you have a store in the middle of nowhere, lady?"

"My name is Vicky—"

"We got that already! Answer the question!"

"I don't prefer the city. Too much pollution. So I built my store in the heart of Olympic National Park where no one would pollute the air." Fucking freak-show. "I do occasionally take a trip to Forks for supplies though."

"You know where Forks is from here!" I blurted, too excited to contain my voice. Just the thought of a possibility to escape this hellhole jungle made me giddy. I bounced around a little bit with a smile propped on my face.

"Sure. It's just a few miles north. Oh say, 100 or so."

I blanched.

"Are you guys by any chance lost? I can get you out of here tomorrow if you'd like, For a small price, of course."

"How much?" Rose asked, expectant.

"Oh, just $700."

_Bitch, come again?_

"Excuse me?" I choked. I must have heard that wrong. I trained my ears to listen very carefully this time.

"I said $700. Upfront."

"Oh, hell no!" Alice shouted, snapping her fingers. There was nothing funnier than ghetto Alice. "You must have curled your hair too tight, sweetheart. What in hell makes you think we're paying that much?"

"Gas isn't cheap, _sweetheart_," she mocked. "If you want to get out of here it's going to cost you a pretty penny."

_Fuck that! Swan, get your ass in the back, grab a bat and bash some fucking sense into her._

For once, I actually considered listening to my inner-crazy_._

"No dice," Rose said decidedly. "We'll get out of here on our own." I looked at her like she lost her damn marbles. "Hey, since this place is so far out into the wild, do you have any cameras set up in here? I imagine it would be difficult to wire all of that."

Oh God.

Rose was officially going to fuck some shit up.

"No, actually I don't. It's just me and my store," Vicky smiled.

Rose nodded and gave the red head a blinding smile herself. "Well it was wonderful meeting you. Have a 'Vicky day'!" With that she turned around, pulling Emmett with her and we all followed suit. We packed ourselves back into the truck and just sat there, quiet.

"So," I drawled, interrupting the silence. "We're going to rob the store aren't we?"

"Yep," Rose said, letting the 'P' pop.

"Alright. Wake me up when you're ready then," I muttered, cuddling into Edward's lap. I was asleep in seconds.

It was nightfall when Edward shook my shoulder gently, telling me it was time. We all exited the truck swiftly and quietly, being sure not to speak, or crack twigs and shit like on TV. Em said Vicky left an hour earlier and we were almost sure no one was around so Rose took a big ass log and slammed that shit through the glass door. It was deafening. She crawled through the small space she made carefully and stood once inside. Then she sighed and hit the heel of her palm to her head.

"The door wasn't even fucking locked!"

We raided that bitch so hard it would take years to clean up. We found air mattresses in the back room and blew them all up, some to play marshmallow wars with, and some to just to blow up. Jasper found tennis rackets in the back and we broke all of the snow globes that were lined up nice and neat on a shelf. Next was the cash register. Who the fuck leaves money in a cash register if they're going home. Regardless, we jacked that too. Eventually tiring out, we all crawled on our mattresses with our buddies, setting about six alarms to go off in a few hours so we could get the fuck out of dodge before Vicky came back, and slept.

Something that I never expected, or even wanted to ever see again: Jacob. What I never wanted to see for the rest of my short pathetic life: Jacob and Vicky sucking face right in front of us. I cringed away from watching them and winced as the ropes tied around me cut off some serious circulation. While we slept, Vicky must've knew we were going to rob her because she went back, got Jacob and tied us up, smug as shit when we all awoke to rope, handcuffs and duct tape. It was like a bondage orgy gone horribly wrong. Edward was tied up too, sitting right beside me but keeping his eyes on me at all times. Rose and Emmett were against the wall farthest from us, their mouths taped because, let's face it, they both had big ass mouths. Alice and Jasper were just out of my sight, but in my periphery. Pixie's mouth was taped, Jasper's not and they were tied to heaters.

I sighed as my eyes connected with Edward's and only one thought plagued my mind that morning.

I should have fucked him last night.

**

* * *

Author's Note: Looks like our gang has gotten themselves into a little bind there, eh? What? You thought I was done playing with my widdle Jacob doll? Well I guess you don't know Punkii very well, hun ;D Until next time!**


	9. Fantasies are Near Death Experiences?

**Author's Note: Holy ShizzMuppets I'm not dead! I haven't updated in a week *gasp!* and I apologize sincerely.**

**(ShamelessPimpage)—In the mean time, I've been working on my new fic Stockholm Syndrome which is a complete 180 from TFAC, it being angst-y and whatnot. I _implore _you to go take a peek ;)**

**Anyway, alas my loves, TFAC is nearing it's end. Though a short journey, it was fun :)**

**So, without further ado!**

**WARNING: This chapter contains very graphic scenes! Those with weak stomachs should avert their eyes! Also, we will be jumping around the perspectives a bit, just letting you know ahead of time so you're not all WTF on me. . . enjoy. . . it's going to be a longish one. . . (HintHint: When you come to the part, you'll know it, but think as the italics and the regular font as reality and fantasy: separate. Use your imagination) ;)**

**Rated M for Lemons, language, and bloody stuff!**

* * *

**BPOV**

As the minutes passed, I found it more and more difficult to keep my eyes open. Edward had barely so much as bat an eyelash, holding my gaze since the second we made eye contact. . . an hour and some change ago. I felt my eyelids droop to a close and I didn't fight the sleep, I welcomed it as there was nothing but the blackness behind my lids, the ambient noise fading with my consciousness.

"**Long time no see, Swan."**

I peeled my eyes and was met with the horrid sight of muck covered boots. It was appalling. Who would be so lazy as to not take but a few minutes to scrub their dirt layered shoes clean? It honestly wasn't hard, just a few minutes! I let my gaze travel up the poor shoes' owner and my eyes grew wide as frickin' saucers at her face.

"**Hey, I know you're not a big fan of my choice in footwear but you don't have to give me the stink-eye, kid."**

I pushed myself off of the floor and stumbled to my feet, getting all types of up in Not God's face. "You," I growled. "You have been fucking with me since the first time we met and, frankly, I'm sick of your shit!"

"**Bella—"**

"No!" I cut her off, putting my hand in her face. "Since day-dammit-one you've playing me like a golden fiddle! Besides fucking Edward, thank you for that by the way, you have sent me spiraling down hill." I ticked everything off on the hand currently three inches from her nose. "We got kidnapped by a red neck, said red neck almost raped me, I accidentally sexed Emmett, got caught by Edward, and now we're being held hostage by a red neck _and _a psycho bitch!"

By the time I finished my little rant I was panting. She watched me closely, her face void of emotion and waited for me to calm down.

"**Are you done now? Good. Sit."** She pointed to the left of us where two red chairs appeared from thin air. I took that time to check our surroundings. It was literally a blank canvas of space that stretched endlessly in every direction around us. I plopped myself down in the red chair and almost sunk into the plush soft cushions; it was the most comfortable thing I'd sat on in days, you know, besides Edward's dong. Not God fell into a chair of her own with grace, a steaming cup of tea in her hands. She offered me a mug and I accepted calmly, watching a coffee table be placed in front of us.

"**I don't know why you're so upset,"** she began as I sipped my tea. It was delicious. **"Nothing happened that I didn't virtually warn you of. The only things I did not tell you were when or in what order the events would occur."** Sip. **"Based on that you should have expected everything or at least prepared yourself for it. I understand that these past two day have been hell for you, I sympathize, I do, but it was your responsibility and yours alone to decide what you were going to do with what I told you. You don't have much longer in this forest, I give you my word on that, but every dark cloud has a silver lining, right? Think about it this way: when you leave you get to take home one of the fucking sexiest men alive, my dear. And you'll have one of the most unique camping experiences that anyone could ever have. Ever."**

I sighed as I let Not God's word marinate and she sipped her tea as I thought. Truthfully, she did give me a heads up and, though I loathe to admit it, I did nothing to use it to my advantage. I was just so wrapped up in having Edward that I didn't think . . . Ugh! It was just the weight of everything that happened—getting lost, losing my innocence, being kidnapped, nearly being raped, fucking Emmett and now dealing with the bullshittery that awaits when I wake up. . . So much to have transpired in only _two days _I never so much as had a chance to breathe and take it in.

So I did something I hadn't done since I left Emmett's Jeep. I took a deep breath, sat up straight and tall in my seat, squared my shoulders, closed my eyes, and planted my feet firmly on the ground. When it felt like my lungs were going to burst and I was sure I was blue, I exhaled a sigh, feeling the weights lift one by one until I was feather light. I opened my eyes and smiled feeling better than I had in ages. The space around us was no longer blank but covered in earth and tranquil tones. Deep greens mixed and mingled with dark blues and it was beautiful. From the corner of my eye I saw a smile in Not God's eyes over the rim of her cup.

"Thank you," I said reverently. I don't know what I was thankful for but I knew I had to tell her. "I. . . Just. . . Thank you."

"**Don't thank me yet," **she said setting her near empty mug on the coffee table. She crossed her legs and turned fully in my direction.** "You're not of here just yet and I bet on my middle name that you won't be thanking me by the time you do leave. But you're welcome."** She squeezed my knee and smiled again.**"Kudos on you getting laid, by the way. I told you that hard as a brick shell of yours was going to disappear. Edward had some serious feelings about you dear, and that shell was one hell of a cockblock. You did good and I'm proud of you. I know we had our differences in the beginning but it turned out well for you."**

"Why does this sound like a goodbye?" I asked quietly.

"**Because it is. This is our last encounter, Isabella, and you will never see me again. This journey of yours is coming to an end and with that goes our interaction and my intervening. You will have to deal with your problems on your own, as you were meant to, without my help. I will always be watching you, but I will never again be within your reach."**

I nodded, not sure how I felt. I would consider Not God my friend now, my go-to gal, so to speak, and this was the last time we would see each other.

"So tell me, why are you're boots so filthy?" I asked suddenly, stalling our time.

She seemed taken aback, caught off guard by my question.** "Um, I dunno. Because I didn't clean them? Maybe I'm too lazy to wash them or buy a second pair?"**

"Hmm. What's in it?"

"**What?"**

"The tea. What's in it?"

"**Chamomile,"** she said simply.

"It's good shit."

"**Indeed."**

We sipped.

"**Speaking of good, how was Emmett's shlong?"**

I cocked an eyebrow at that.

"Big. Why do you ask?"

"**You should be waking up by now,"** she said looking at her wristwatch, completely ignoring my question. The wristwatch that just appeared on her fucking wrist, might I add.

"What are you hiding?" I demanded.

Suddenly there was a large rip in the the background of our setting and the lines around my vision began to blur as a gust of wind pulled me in. I whipped my head back and forth trying to find Not God; she was no longer beside me.

"**Goodbye, Isabella. A few words of advice, dear: Picture love and don't struggle. You're going to be fine, Bella. Trust me."**

If that wasn't the most nondescriptive, half-assed piece of advice. . .

"Thanks, I guess," I muttered.

As my vision faded completely I saw Not God's smile behind my closed lids.

"**Bye. . . "**

**EPOV**

She looked so peaceful as she fell asleep. I wanted to brush the hair from her face, hold her in my arms as she slept but I could barely move with these restraints on my wrists. I had to give it to them, they had excellent craftsmanship with rope for social pariahs. But it wouldn't hold me. I didn't need my hands to kick Jacob and Victoria's—though I loathe the idea of hitting a woman—asses. I could inch backward until I was against the wall, get to my feet and beat the shit out of those two with my leg . . .Could, but I wouldn't. The only thing preventing me was the fact that Jacob had his shotgun. I may have been fast, but I wasn't faster than a bullet.

Bella sighed and I swear it sounded like she said something about "filthy shoes". I frowned but turned away, avoiding the sight of Jacob practically _eating _Victoria's face. I looked to the wall opposite myself and Bella to see Emmett and Rosalie just. . . being them. Rose's face was passive, staring at nothing in particular. Emmett was flexing his restraints and his shirt. It would be a photo finish to see which one gave first. I turned to Alice and Jasper and they were staring at me, like wide-eyed does.

"What?" I mouthed silently.

Alice turned to Jasper and they did their strange telekinesis-couple thing. Jasper had to speak for Alice; her mouth was covered.

"I have a bad feeling," he mouthed back.

"About what?"

Another exchange.

They both looked to my left and I didn't need Jasper's translation to tell me what I already knew.

Bella.

The beautiful brunette sighed and worried her bottom lip. Her pouty bottom lip. Her pink and pouty bottom lip of her perfect little mouth which was even more perfect wrapped around my. . .

_And now I had a semi. . ._

Jacob chose that moment to dismount Victoria. "Oh, fuck, baby, let's do it rot her' on this her' table!"

Needless to say, my dick deflated the second he said "rot". God, I hated nothing more than his illiterate form of broken English.

Victoria dropped from her perch on the plastic table in the center of our circle and wiped the saliva from her mouth. "No. We have all night. I want to play with these scum," she said looking around our disjointed circle. . . or triangle. . . ?

"Ahright. Which un'?"

"Mmm, they're all pretty," she purred. "You," she said pointing at Emmett who looked like he had to shit. "I want him!"

Jacob commanded Emmett to stand and the bear complied, slowly. The mutt threw the butt of his gun into Emmett's gut. He didn't flinch. Emmett went to the table, distancing himself as far away from Victoria as he could.

"That it?" Jacob asked, bored.

"No." She looked around again when Bella moaned something about chamomile. "I want her!" she said pointing. . .

Straight at Bella. . .

A feral snarl ripped through my chest as Jacob strolled to our side of the room with a lazy smile on his face. He lifted Bella easily onto his shoulder and Bella startled awake at the jerky movements. That fucking mutt had the nerve to smack her ass and she squeaked, her eyes finding mine, filled with fear.

"Leave her alone!" I roared. I wanted to rip the red neck's head off his fucking bulky shoulders and floss my teeth with his spine. He threw Bella carelessly onto the table and cocked his gun, holding it to her temple. She tensed but never moved her eyes from mine.

"Shut the fuck up! Ahm calling the shots her'! Ah steal haven't forgotten 'bout the indecent with the rock," he grinned, rubbing the back of his head with his free hand. "So shut up 'fore ah splat yer girl's brains all over these her' perty floors."

It didn't escape my attention that he used the word "indecent" instead of "incident" and "steal" not "still".

I growled, focusing solely on my Bella as I rubbed the restraints on my wrist against the chip of glass behind me. . .

I was going to fucking _murder _that dog. . .

**BPOV**

What a pleasant way to wake up, I thought wryly as I was tossed haphazardly on the plastic table. I winced; my wrists were now going numb with pain.

Jacob bounced on my nerve the second my eyes opened but for some reason I wasn't able to show very much emotion. When he held the gun to me I was ready to piss my pants but I couldn't get my face to move. There was something funky in Not God's tea and it wasn't chamomile.

Yeah, I was nervous but I did what I knew would ground me no matter the circumstance: I watched Edward, ignoring everything and everyone else around me.

My Edward.

I studied his features over and over, tracing every curve and plane in my brain. His chiseled jaw that could have been carved from marble; his perfectly angled nose; his pronounced cheekbones; that delicious mop of bronze hair that implied he just got thoroughly fucked; his pink, full, wide set lips, soft and pillow like; and those gorgeous green eyes of his that made my panties disintegrate. He was fucking perfection, and all mine.

"You two are going to fuck me and you _will _like it," Vicky said, sliding her hideous sweater-vest down her arms. "If I even think that you're not enjoying it I'll have Jakey put a hole in your heads."

Jacob told Emmett to undress me and threatened him when he didn't move. With the gun to his back, Emmett leaned forward, slowly, pleading to me with his eyes.

I couldn't do it. Not with a clear conscience. Not in front of Edward. But I wasn't going to risk Em's life ; I refused to be responsible for his death. Not God was totally screwing me over now.

_Picture love and don't struggle. . ._

I tried to put Not God's advice to fruition, tried to break it up in a way that it made sense. Picture love. . . instantly I thought of Edward. . . Don't struggle. . . against Vicky? Or Emmett? I sighed, frustrated but it probably still didn't show. I felt impossibly light.

_Both, _my brain supplied for me. _Don't fight either of them. . ._

Fucking A! I get it now! How insane will I look if I thank myself? One way to find out, I suppose.

_Um, thank you, inner me._

The bitch flipped me the bird.

I moved on quickly. I turned my gaze back to Edward and what I saw in his eyes was enough to steel my resolve.

"I love you," I mouthed.

He mouthed it back and I knew I had to do this. To save Em, to save Edward and the others. To get the hell out of this broken forest and back to Forks, to Charlie. I let my lids flutter shut and followed Not God's advice to 'T'. First and foremost, there was no Emmett and there was no Vicky. I was not sitting on a plastic table and I was not about to be raped. Jacob was not holding a gun to us, he wasn't even here._ I was alone now._

The next part was easy, envisioning Emmett as Edward. A very wet Edward. A very wet, clingy black t-shirt wearing Edward with basketball shorts and copper hair hanging in his eyes. . .I turned myself on light a flipping light switch. Next was replacing Vicky. . .using a red head? _Nicola Roberts in her younger years?_ No, this was my fantasy, I could do what I want with it. _Sarah Harding? _Much better. A black corset wearing Sarah Harding in tight ass jeans and heels? _Fucking sold._

Instead of sitting on a hard and cold plastic table I was on a cream grand piano, spread eagle just for Edward. The softest of melodies played in the background and the aroma of vanilla and lavender permeated the air. Fucking perfect. I was ready to act.

_As if you can even call it that._

_My Edward stood but a few feet out of my reach, his mossy eyes darker than usual, probing me with an intensity that made my clit twitch. We watched each other for a moment, just drinking one another in. His drenched shirt clung to him like a second skin,showcasing each and every one of his glorious muscles. The hem was raised just a smidge and I could see his V-cut and reddish happy trail wind down into those unforgiving shorts which hung low on his hips. The tendons in his neck and hands were all standing out and he was looking up at me through his lashes, his lips slightly wet. I wanted him._ _I tried to reach out to him . . . but my hands were bound._

"Untie me," I demanded. They looked at me hesitantly and I indicated that I couldn't do anything with my hands behind my back. Begrudgingly, they cut the ropes from my wrist but Jacob kept the gun poised in my direction the entire time. Vicky undid Emmett's as well and I let myself go back to my imagination. Fantasy once again merged with reality. . .

"_Bella," Edward called gruffly. My eyes trailed from his face all the way down to the now ever-present bulge between his legs. I whispered his name before my mind comprehended the rogue action and less than two seconds later his body was pressed against mine, standing between my parted legs as our mouths crashed together in the most heated of passions. Sarah stood beside me, stroking my hair from my face as my tongue met Edward's._

**EPOV**

Bella looked to be in a daze. Her eyes were hooded and clouded and she seemed far away for a moment. Victoria was pulling her hands through Emmett's hair with one hand, purring rather loudly, and stroking Bella's hair with the other. That was when Bella told Jacob to remove her ropes, dishing them a pretty piece of logic to go with it. They complied after a bit of hesitation and I saw the distant look overcome my Bella again. And then she lunged herself at Emmett's mouth...

**RPOV**

I didn't know Bella could be so aggressive. Was I little peeved that she was making out with my man? Nope. Not in the least, because I'd seen the way her and Edward looked at each other, even before we ventured out on this whack ass camping trip. She didn't want Emmett and we all knew it, including Edward. Always flirting, blushing when their hands would brush, catching a few peeks at one another when they thought the other wasn't looking. It was decidedly cute. I watched Victoria—that frizzy bitch red head—grab Emmett's ass over his jeans. I wanted to gouge her fucking eyes out. Make no mistake when I got these ropes off I would rip her hair out of her poorly conditioned scalp. I rubbed the restraints on my wrists against the broken glass on the floor behind me, glancing up at Jacob every so often to make sure he didn't see me. I'm going to fuck Vicky up. . . Bitch. . .

**APOV**

_Dayum, _Bella could kiss. That girl had some vigor in her. If my mouth were free I would have cheered her on. Not for kissing Emmett of course but for the kiss itself. I chafed the rope on my wrists against the broken glass behind me, as did Jasper. God, I loved that man! I had a feeling that he was wanting to propose to me soon. Not, like, a week from now or anything but I knew it would be within the next 365 days. Knowing my southern bag of treats, he was going to want it to be in a remote, secluded area with burning candlelight and a roaring fire near. He could propose in a small setting but I'll be damned if we weren't having an extravagant wedding! A baseball field sized church with ribbons and gossamer floating every which way-

"Darlin', focus," Jasper hissed.

I cleared my head, filing my thoughts away for later and went back to slicing rope. I wish I could sigh, but there was duct tape on my face. . . Stupid illiterate red necks and frizzy red heads. . .

**BPOV**

_As I suckled on Edward's bottom lip I fisted the hem of his shirt in my hand and tugged it over his head, running my fingers down his torso as I ground my hips into his. He groaned throwing his head back and at the sight of his Adam's apple bobbing up and down, I sucked on his neck. Feeling left out, Sarah began stripping herself, corset hitting the floor with a thud. My lips still at Edward's neck, I reached out a hand to stroke the blonde's breast and she arched into my touch. Fascinated, I did it a second time and goaded the same response from her. My Adonis pulled me away at arms length and twisted my body on the piano so I was facing Sarah, reciprocating what I had been doing to him moments prior and stroking my breast through my shirt. As I moaned Sarah lightly touched her lips to mine and it was the strangest feeling. Testing, she did it again and my hand shot out to hold her head to my own. Kissing her was entirely different from kissing the opposite sex. Her mouth was warm and soft as the petal of a flower yet firm and inviting. She opened her mouth to me and I touched my tongue to hers. She was sweet! Like warm cider and starfruit. I delved deeper, claiming her and heard Edward's throaty groan behind me._

_He tore my shirt from my skin—_tore_ it—and spun me around so I was once again facing him. We wasted no time, shedding clothes as fast as humanly possible and he lined himself up at my entrance once we were clad in nothing but our shoes. The pad of his thumb caressed me from my collarbone, down through the valley of my breasts, past my sternum and hovered just above my clit. Sarah tweaked my nipples and my hips bucked involuntarily, pushing just the head of Edward's cock into me and causing his thumb to press down on my bundle of nerves. I moaned and arched my back into his chest. He forced himself deeper within me and I could feel every bit of him, inch by inch as he buried himself to the hilt. He pulled all the way out just to thrust in again and I felt like I could die. He started off agonizingly slow but when I clutched the hair at the base of his neck in my fist he hissed, gently pushed me down by the shoulders, and impaled me hard and fast like the beast that I'd fallen in love with._

"_Oh my God!" I cried out as he slammed his hips into my own. My eyes rolled to the back of my head and my toes curled in on themselves as I received the most delectable pleasure I'd ever felt. He lifted my right leg onto his shoulder, placed a wet kiss on my calf, and pounded into me relentlessly matched only by my equally eager hips._

"_Fucking hell, Swan, you're so fucking _tight_!"_

_As I rode Edward, Sarah climbed up on the piano and threw her leg over my body so she was straddling my face. Her pussy hovered less than an entire inch above me, her scent simply wafting me in the face. She smelled. . .sweet. I flicked my tongue out experimentally and was rewarded with her soft gasp. She tasted just as sweet as everything else about her. I hooked my arms around the back of her thighs and pulled her down on top of me. She mewled loudly and rocked her hips on my mouth as I licked and sucked along her slit; I was practically vibrating from the force and frequency of Edward's thrusts. I was moaning like a bitch in heat and Sarah was loving every second of it, her hands curling and pulling on my hair. I alternated between teasing her pussy with my tongue and stroking her clit my my first finger before she gave a frustrated cry and ground her hips down on me. I decided to fuck her with my tongue and with that the tip of my nose occasionally brushed against that precious bundle._

_It felt like this had gone on for hours; it could have been seconds, minutes, days, weeks, dare I even say months and yet that soul-binding pleasure hadn't let up by a molecule. A pressure that I was newly acquainted with began to build in my belly and a heat of white flame coursed through me. My ears were filled with the sounds of that building melody from the piano and the pleasure that was accumulating between the three of us; panting, gasping, moaning, groaning, a light purr from Sarah, a few growls from Edward, and the delicious sound of Edward's skin colliding with mine as my bare lips rubbed against the base of his cock. Eventually it all became too much and I began to clench around Edward as my orgasm approached._

"_Fuck, Edward, I'm coming!"_

_His grip on my hips tightened to an almost painful degree as he fucked me with wild abandon, the primitive noises from before escalating louder and louder._

_He gave three more deep thrusts and I was done for. My body broke out into a paroxysm of spasms and I came like never before, my legs quaking with the released energy. Above me, I felt Sarah shuddering and inside of me, with a series of grunts and an cannibalistic growl later, Edward came, too._

_It was less than a second afterwords that I heard a deafening shot. . ._

**EPOV**

Many things transpired simultaneously in a matter of only 5 seconds.

One, Bella came and from the sound of it, she had a doozy.

Two, I'd ripped myself free of the knotted rope and immediately lunged for Jacob.

Three, apparently both Jasper and Rosalie had managed to escape their restraints as well, Rose punching Jacob in the dick, Jasper shoving Victoria off of Bella's face.

Four, in that same second Jacob's finger slipped on the trigger and it fired, grazing Victoria's shoulder and shattering the lights overhead.

Five, the glass came raining down on all of us. . . but sliced Bella in almost every angle, hitting nearly every inch of her exposed skin.

The most grotesque thing that I'd ever heard in my life: the sound of Bella's earsplitting scream as she was stabbed with chunks of glass. My heart stopped beating in my chest and I feared for everything I was worth.

I don't remember getting there but I was by Bella's side in less than a second, throwing my arm into Emmett's chest and away from her as I begged my Bella to take a deep breath. When her eye caught mine, the scream broke off into a sob and she tried to reach for me. I clutched her hand in my own, raining kisses over her blood covered knuckles and whispering my love for her. It didn't take long for her to calm down though she was still crying and tell me that there was glass inside of her.

I switched to my role as the doctor's son and was scrutinizing her torn, little body, searching for shards that were stuck in her porcelain skin in a flash. There was one just in her midsection and one more caught in her wrist. I started barking commands, not caring at all what was going on around me, just needing to take care of my Bella. There was no Jacob and Victoria; just Bella.

Eventually I got what I needed—water, tweezers, towels—and was able to start cleaning her up. She sobbed quietly, watching me and wincing every now and again when I hit a sore spot. Yes, she was covered in blood, but it wasn't as bad as my panicked mind envisioned it would be. Only a few minor cuts and most of it was flesh wounds. When I cleaned her body of the blood I was able to start on the glass embedded in her. I began with the one in her tummy, removing carefully, my breath hitching when I heard her cries of pain. I got it out swiftly and luckily it wasn't too deep. When I finished cleaning that wound I began with the one in her wrist.

"Edward," she croaked.

"Yes, love? I know it hurts but I'm almost done," I said quietly, concentrating in pulling the glass out without tearing more skin than already was.

"Thank you," she whispered. I got the glass out.

Chucking it behind me, I pressed my lips lightly to her red wrist and then placed an even lighter kiss on her lips, coloring them with her blood, as she let her eyes droop closed. "Anytime, love."

**BPOV**

Oh, bitch, I had a headache like fucking whoa. I groaned and let the dim light flood into my eyes. It hurt. As I shook off my stupor the events of when I was last awake hit me like a speeding brick; I flinched remembering how the glass cut through me. I shifted uncomfortably and winced as a pain shot from my belly. I looked around and sighed dramatically when I saw rubber ducks on the ceiling. I fucking hated hospitals. My room was small and I had no room mates, thank Not God; I smiled wryly at my own joke. It felt like a dream, honestly. I just couldn't wrap my head around the fact that me and my posse did, in fact, attend one of the worst camping trips in the history of man. I looked down to my semi-broken body and ran my hand over my midriff lightly—it was covered in gauze and bandages.

"Hey you," a voice like molten honey called. My head shot up and my eyes found my favorite pair mossy green ones. He was just as fucking beautiful as ever. A small smile turned the corner of my lip up as he shut the door behind him and approached my bed. He pulled a chair up from the wall and sat at my side, watching me carefully.

"Hi," I said meekly.

"Hi," Edward responded just as quiet. We sat for a few minutes in silence, just looking at each other.

_Don't just stand there! Give Bella some sugar, goddammit!_

"How are you?" he asked taking my hand in his. He rested our hands on the railing of my bed because the I.V. drip in my arm allowed no further movement.

I thought about that for a second. "I'm. . . alright," I nodded. "I'm not really in any pain but I do feel a slight sting, you know? And my head hurts like a bitch. My mouth is dry as fucking cotton, too. How long have I been in here? What's today? Where is everyone? What happened to Jacob and Victoria?"

He laughed and traced circles around my knuckles. "Slow down or you're going to give yourself an anxiety attack. First of all, I'll have one of the nurses send you up a bottle of water; they were not expecting you to wake up so soon. Secondly, everyone, including Charlie is downstairs getting breakfast. Thirdly, Victoria and Jacob are going to rot their asses in jail. And fourthly, Merry Christmas." He said the last part while leaning over me expectantly.

I gasped, and that shit-eating grin of his marred his perfect face.

"It's . . . ?"

He nodded, his mouth a hairsbreadth away from my own. "Merry Christmas, my Bella."

He pressed his lips to mine gingerly and my lips sizzled at the contact. My hand ensnared his head to me, holding him where he was and coaxing a little more spice from him. That familiar scent of mint and honey ghosted across my face as he pulled away with a sigh.

"I missed you, love."

"The feeling is mutual," I muttered numbly.

He smirked and sat back in his seat, waiting.

"Details?" I finally probed.

"Well immediately after your little. . . tryst. . . I had broke out of the ropes and tried to attack Jacob but Rosalie was one second ahead of me, got him good, too. Jasper had gotten free then as well and he pulled Victoria off of you." His eyes left mine and he stared down at our hands, running his long fingers across my wrist. "But when Rose got Jacob, he pulled the trigger of his shotgun and the bullet, thank God, missed you but grazed Victoria's shoulder where it continued straight up and shattered the light fixtures on the ceiling." He stopped, shaking his head as he recalled the gruesome image. "The glass came falling down on you and. . . " he shuddered and I rubbed the pad of my thumb over his knuckles encouragingly. "There was. . . a lot of blood; I managed to clean most of it off of you but there were two shards of glass that caught in your skin. I got them out of you and then you fell asleep.

"I gave you my shirt and carried you out of the store to set you in the Jacob's pick up truck. Emmett and Jasper tied Jacob and Victoria up and we completely ignored the red head when she cried about her arm. Victoria had a phone on her and Alice called Charlie; he was at our location in a matter of 20 minutes. Turns out that we were about 15 miles from civilization," he laughed bitterly. "The first thing we did was rush you to a hospital. You lost a lot of blood, babe, and needed a few transfusions but that's the worst of it. A few cuts here, some bruises there, but you'll be okay, love."

I smiled and crooked my finger at him. He leaned forward and I gave him a light peck. "Thank you, again."

"Don't thank me. I did what came naturally to me."

"Show off, much?"

"Shut it, Swan. You're recovering; I wouldn't want to have to teach you a lesson before you were out of here," he said with a wicked glint in his eye.

"Is that a threat or a promise?" I challenged.

"Both?"

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever, Masen."

"Keep pushing me and I'll let the Olympic Yeti devour you."

"I thought he only took 'beautiful women'," I said using air quotes.

"In that case he's going to fucking annihilate you, Bella."

I laughed and pulled him closer to me. "Set a date, Edward."

"I fucking love you, Swan," he whispered against my lips.

"I love you, too, Masen."

He kissed me and my fucking nipples were hard as rocks.

Not God was wrong. I still wanted to thank her.

And her 120 triple Z cup tits. . .

* * *

**Author's Note: Yay! Happy endings :) Sorry if you got confused during. Let me know if you need a clear up.**


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